


The Dreamer in the Well

by Tamuril



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:53:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22295119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tamuril/pseuds/Tamuril
Summary: James got the girl....finally.  She even stopped being friends with Severus, whom he absolutely hated.  But one day, his curiousity changes everything.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James Potter/Severus Snape
Comments: 201
Kudos: 420





	1. Prologue: Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> A very short intro. Will update as often as I can. Working on multiple projects/stories, both here and for a number of organizations that I'm involved with. I have part of the story mapped, so tags may change depending on where it leads. Enjoy!

He hated hospitals. It had reminded him too much of watching his own mother fall ilI and succumb to the disease that took her life. It was watching his father clinging to fragments of hope that always slipped away, leaving him silently weeping as each attempt to save her failed. James remembered how empty the house felt, how his father wandered through it as if lost. While not the same, James and his father eventually found their way back to each other, finding a way to ease the grief they both had carried. The world had simultaneously changed, yet remained constant. 

Now he had two more reasons: 1) watching his precious Lily cry over the uncertain situation of her former best friend, Severus, and 2) for arousing sympathy within himself for that same friend. If only he hadn't let his curiousity get the better of him, then he wouldn't be at St. Mungo's, alternating between boredom and being unsure of what to say to his crying girlfriend. It was the same feeling of powerlessness from all those years ago. James hated it as much now as he did then, because there had been little that he could do to help the people he had loved. Lily had a strength and fire to her that James had absolutely adored, even when it was turned against him. To see it quenched as she waited to hear what was going to happen was heartbreaking.

James tried to be angry at the still unconscious wizard, but was failing miserably. Seeing that grim tableau spread before them had started this. All he remembered for a long while was the blood and her screaming at the top of the stairs. He ran up the stairs as quickly as could, thinking that she was in trouble. Instead, he saw Severus, deathlike, while Lily became increasingly desperate and afraid. Somehow, it seemed to him, that time was moving fast and slow. He remembered summoning his father and Dumbledore, but could not recall what he had said. At some point, she stopped screaming and was almost catatonic, remaining obstinately silence, tears coursing down her cheeks, in a world where he wasn't allowed. Her eyes had lost their familiar vibrancy and she became someone that he didn't know anymore....at least for now. 


	2. White, Black, and Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James starts to have nightmares. A conversation between father and son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter might be a bit brutal at the outset. Do enjoy.

_What is black and white and red all over?_

It took on a different meaning now than the first time he heard Lily tell the joke. They had been dating for a while and she loved poking fun at his lack of knowledge about muggle things. She had laughed and to him, it was pure music. James wanted nothing more than to hear the bright tinkling of it forever. Lily was arguably the brightest witch of her year and for him, those swings from rapid-fire intelligence to light-hearted mirth were utterly charming. He understood as he got to know her why Snape had liked her so much. 

Why he thought of that joke now, he did not know. But every time he went to bed, he hoped that the answer would be what it had been before that awful day. Instead, the answer was pale, broken lines, with ebony hair enhancing the deathly pallor, and bloodied hands. Those hands, when James approached, weren't cradling the abdomen. No, they were trying to hold the internal organs inside that thin body. But that wasn't the worst of it, not by a long shot. Despite Lily screaming, James could still make out those slowly dying words, "Mom, I'm coming."

He fell asleep that day after the adrenaline had worn off, but his rest did not last long. Sometime later, he woke up screaming and his father rushed into that room, staying with him the rest of the night. It had been a week since the grim discovery and still, James could not sleep. The nightmare would not relent and as he would awaken, he would hear the familiar refrain of Severus's mantra echoing in his head. The images he could deal with, but hearing those words.....It shattered something within him and broke his heart in a way that he hadn't expected. 

James knew that his father wanted to talk to him, but also knew that his father wanted him to 'recover' from what he had seen. He could see the look in his father's eyes, wondering why he had gone to that house in the first place. James knew that Fleamont would not be happy with knowing that the only reason that he had gone was to show off to Lily that he was better than Snape. Seeing what he did was just punishment for being the rotten person Snape always claimed him to be. Then of course, there was Lily. She barely ate and rarely left her best friend's side, speaking to Severus like he used to before his mother died. He took so much for him to not break down in tears at seeing that. 

And sometimes, when James could squash how guilty he felt about being a bully, he would see Snape hovering between life and death, willing the Slytherin to awaken. It was on a day like that, about a week later, when his father wanted to see him in his office. He kissed Lily's cheek, saying that he would return as soon as he was able. She barely responded, but she reached out and took hold of his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze, just before he had gone out of reach. Maybe it was that feeling of wanting something real, to be sure that there was something real amid all the cruelty of the world. James could relate to that feeling and realized then that Severus was something of a brother, spirit, even if it wasn't by blood. And Lily would always forgive her brother. Always. 

So, feeling like a guilty schoolboy, he stood in Fleamont's office, waiting for his father. James had been instructed to wait for his father to arrive. He remembered when he would be 'a right heathen,' as his mother used to say and he'd end up here, amid the books and ancient furniture fearing the absolute worst. It hadn't changed much, except that instead of being grounded, it was the look of disappointment that would cross his face as he realized how poorly James had treated the unconscious boy at St. Mungo's. Through some help from Sirius, he had been able to keep most of his wild antics away from his father. Now, though, there would be no place to hide and for one flickering moment, hated Snape for destroying his father's illusions of his own son.

At last, Fleamont came through the door and sat at his great desk, looking like a minister of state, or something quite powerful. For a moment, his father just looked at him, almost as if he were searching for just the right words to say, or maybe having the words, but afraid that they would come out in an avalanche. James, meanwhile, braced himself for the inevitable discomfort of this conversation. At last his father's words, softly spoken came through, "James, what happened? I'm trying to work out how you came there."

"Lily," James said simply. "She was friends with him and told me he lived nearby."

"Yes, I know she lives nearby. But why go there in the first place? I know from Dumbledore that you both disliked each other."

"We were walking around Cokeworth and she mentioned it. I wanted to see it. You already know the rest."

James made to the door to leave. Fleamont said, quite loudly. "No, there is more to it, isn't there?"

"Yes, I wanted him to know I won," James said, feeling worse as the words left his mouth, especially now.

"James--"

"I know, I know," he said, feeling defeated. "You're dis--."

"No, it's not that," Fleamont said. "Your mother would be hurt knowing you were like this to another."

"Please don't," James wanted to weep. That was not what he was expecting at all. "He got under my skin Doesn't that make a difference?"

"When did this start?"

"The moment I met him on the train," James answered, not daring to look his father in the eye. "He wanted to be in Slytherin. No one should want that. It's the absolute worst."

"All because he made a decision you didn't like?"

"That and he was friends with Lily," James answered. "I thought he was evil."

"And what do you think now?"

James had spent a long time wondering what the answer to this question was. He had always believed that the world was black and white, good and evil; that he wanted nothing more than to be the hero. Severus was somehow in the middle of it and James couldn't quite make sense of that. To do the right thing was a fairly easy concept to grasp. It never occurred to him that Severus came from a world that was broken and that those decisions were predicated upon a broken logic. Even Remus, werewolf that he was, found love and acceptance from family and friends. The Slytherin he had despised so much was similar to Remus in having that touch of darkness, but had nothing to keep him from veering into the heart of darkness. That was what hurt Severus, James realized. Lily was that glimmer of hope that he was loved and cared for himself alone. With her gone, so was his belief that some things had goodness within them.

"That it's more complicated than that," James said, after a moment.

"As things often are, yet at heart at quite simple."

"You sound like Dumbledore."

"Well, he is the greatest wizard of our age," Fleamont smiled gently at James. "It would do well for you to listen to him more than you do, James."

"Fine, I will," James said. "Can I go now? Lily is still--."

"There is one more thing," Fleamont said. "Severus will be staying with us."

"What? Why?"

"Dumbledore has requested it, James," Fleamont replied. "Voldemort may try to abduct him."

"For what? Why would he bother? Snape might not--," James stopped himself from completing the rest of that sentence. 

"Severus, if what Dumbledore says is true, is quite powerful. Dangerously so. The fate of this war may lie with that wizard and it is important that we keep him with us, on our side."

"But dad....I don't like him."

"He would be safest here," Fleamont sighed. "And I already assented to Dumbledore's request. James, if you can't like an unconscious wizard, you can at least avoid him. Of course, there is something else...."

"What else could there possibly be?" James asked. Just because he came to a certain understanding about Snape did not mean he had to like him.

"You may want to change your attitude, young man," Fleamont said. "I don't think Lily would like it too much if you were being unpleasant to her friend. If necessary, I will bar her from coming to see him, because you couldn't be civil."

"Dad, that's not fair," James pouted. 

"James, please. When that wizard wakes up, his whole life will be automatically and irrevocably changed. Don't you remember when your mother-."

"Yes, but--."

"It's going to be hard for him, too," Fleamont said. "We can at least try to make it somewhat gentler for him. If you can't do it for me, do it for your mother."


	3. Rain and Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus arrives at Potter Manor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a while I'm in the process of moving and race training. I will update as often as I can.

It was raining the day Severus Snape passed through the doors of Potter Manor. Fleamont and the handful of aurors that came in were visibly relieved, which had confused James for a moment. That was until he remembered what his father said about Voldemort. The two mediwitches who were transporting and caring for their unconscious charge, seemed almost battle-hardened. Or maybe, James thought, they were trying to hide how panicked they were. Despite the increased number of people in the home, there was still a funereal silence that reigned, which made him feel even more anxious, that something was about to happen. James couldn't help but look at Lily, who went to the window as soon as the entourage bearing her best friend came in. He didn't know what she was hoping for, but he was certain that this wasn't exactly what she had in mind.

Lily had arrived the day before and had spent the majority of her time, making sure the room her best friend would be staying in was perfect. But there was always something wrong and even if it was a small thing, she would rearrange the entire room again. James had tried to help, but the unhappy teen would tell him that what he did was wrong, that Sev wouldn't like it. Fleamont eventually intervened, telling her that Severus would appreciate it because she was so thoughtful, and the tears that she had been so desperate to hide, burst forth once more. Something in those words touched something within her and his father held her while she wept. James gingerly approached, wishing that he had been as delicate with her as his father had been. Eventually, Lily was in James's arms, holding onto him for dear life, while Fleamont had promised that Severus would be awake soon enough. 

Eventually, everyone had gone, leaving the Potters and Lily behind. The mediwitches would be flooing in every six hours to check on Severus. There was no real way of knowing how well or if he was recovering, even though the majority of his injuries had been mended. James thought it strange that Lily didn't run immediately upstairs to see her best friend. Instead, she had remained at the window, fingers tracing the paths the drops would take. It was so delicate, so innocent that James didn't want to disturb her melancholic reverie and could only stare at her. James saw his father beckon him to follow him to the kitchen, which he eventually did, telling Lily that he would be back. She barely acknowledged that she heard him and he wasn't sure there was anything that could erase the sadness in her eyes. 

"Dad....," he trailed off as Fleamont turned to look at his troubled son. "I don't know what to do."

"Be a friend, James," he said and James noticed the tears standing in his eyes. "She is going to need the best of you."

"Dad?" James was unsure, but he impulsively went and hugged him.

"It's too similar to your mother," Fleamont answered, voice failing to hide the pain. "I don't know if I can handle this; another ghost in this house. What was Dumbledore thinking? What was I?"

"Maybe--."

"No," his dad interrupted him. "I know you don't want that boy here, but I gave my word--go to Lily; she'll need you. Dumbledore will want to know how Severus is. James, please....I'll be fine."

And though James tried to get his father to say more, he could get nothing more out of him, so he went to see Lily. Before going back to her, he saw his father sit at the kitchen table, head in his hands, trying to suppress the grief. As he made his way to her, he felt utterly lost in seeing his dad like that. His dad was a bastion of strength, of stability, and had not seen him like this since his mom passed away. James felt even worse about his damned arrogance, since it hurt two of the people he most cherished. By the time he reached Lily's side, he couldn't stop the tears from flowing. Lily smiled sadly, took his hand, and rested her head against his chest. Both stood together, while the rain rapped against the window.

Like two sleepers awakening from a dream, they both eventually decided to make their way upstairs to visit Snape, who lay in a world beyond any of them. For a moment, Lily stopped at the base of the stairs, a look of terror on her face. James realized that she was remembering the last time that she was at the bottom of stairs, while her best friend was a the top. Unsure of what to say in that moment, he came back down the stairs, back to her side, and took her hand. When she practically jumped out of her skin, James realized that she thought herself back in that house. He didn't let go, but silently sought her eyes to bring her back, eventually finding the words he meant to say, "I will be with you, Lils, every step of the way. You're not alone, I promise."

She didn't say anything, but nodded and taking a deep breath, braced herself for the journey up the stairs. James remained by her side as they approached the second floor, stopping occasionally, because Lily would suddenly be ceased by panic. When they reached the top, she burst into tears and he rocked her until the tears stopped flowing, all the while, whispering words of encouragement and support. At last, they were able to make their way to the door, which James opened, and gently urged Lily to enter. She made a beeline for the twin-size bed and he closed the door, watching as she practically ran to the bed. James watched her as she stared at her friend, unable to move any further, so he went to her side again. He took her hand and placed it underneath the covers upon Snape's heart, which he wasn't sure was beating. Yet Lily was looking at him with such a hopeful expression, that he smiled at her, both visibly relieved that Snape was alive.

After he withdrew his hand, James gazed upon Snape, realizing that he had never looked at him properly. The youth was not exactly handsome, but he was quite striking, but it wasn't the face that attracted his attention. No, it was the hand that was placed gently across the top of the cover that Lily hadn't grasped in her own. It was a piece of moonlight and James frowned as he wondered at his own reaction. The wizard, in that moment, wanted nothing more than to have Severus live and in a move that shocked Lily, he walked to the other side of the bed. Lily looked up at him, a question in her eyes, wondering what exactly he was doing. In answer, James took the hand that had captured his attention and smiled hopefully at Lily, who was still skeptical, but said nothing at all. But something eased between both James and Lily; that a part of the weight that they had carried had been lifted. It felt like they had finally reached the surface and were able to breath again.


	4. Memories in the Fog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is still unconscious. Everyone is in their own world, but it soon becomes obvious that Lily is suffering more than she is letting on. A deal is made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay. Between a lot of personal stuff and covid, life has been very hectic. I hope everyone is doing well and want to wish everyone a Happy Easter! Be safe, be well, and enjoy this installment.

He had wanted to believe that he was an adult, but now he knew how much of a child he really was. James had hoped that with Severus here, protected by his family's magic, that it would be easier. Instead, he felt like he did all those years ago, powerless and naïve, unable to do anymore than watch his father and Lily, wandering the hills of hope and valleys of despair. James had tried to convince himself that he had been unaffected by it all, but in truth he was haunted by the hand he held. The softness of it, with those elegant fingers, that had a peculiar beauty and the palpable power of that unrelenting spirit. That was how he knew Snape was alive; it wasn't the reluctant relief on Lily's face, for it was clear that his blood was flowing far too slowly. It was his magic, its beautiful music playing so softly, so sweetly, in that minor key. James could've sworn that he felt that hand gently squeeze his own, though he had convinced himself that it was his imagination. 

Yet that feeling never went away; it lingered like winter at the start of spring, the occasional wind of it catching him off-guard. It was why he hadn't gone to visit the ailing wizard like Lily and his father had done. It was fearing that he would be there, alone when that final breath was drawn, that he feared more than anything else. James was not so cruel as that to have that darkling wizard suffer such an indignity as his own banal presence. His father was at least more admirable than he was, more practiced in so many other things that he had not yet attempted mastery. Through watching his father, James began to understand that being a man, an adult of any standing was more than he was now. It was more than just trying to be the heroes that he gave lip service, too. And though he couldn't quite name it, James vowed that he would make his father proud of him. In a way, it felt like going back to when he was a child, when his world was a lot smaller, and he wanted to be just like his dad. 

James started to cry as he remembered how perfect the world had been before the onslaught of what was to come. Lily, he knew, was still with Severus, dancing with life and death, but wanting to be alone all the same. So he was alone on the sofa, remembering when his mother as she tried to show him how to draw and paint, her laughter when he was silly, of how incandescently happy his father had been, watching the domestic scene, before kissing her and hugging him. James cried all the harder, realizing that some of the memories were more faded than they had been before, less defined. He wasn't sure when it happened, but his father appeared in the present moment, sitting beside him, and wrapping him up in such a tight hug, letting him cry, not saying a word. How long it was, James didn't know, but he had fallen asleep, but there was sunlight, which told him that his father had chanced upon him sometime during the night. He knew because when he woke up he was wrapped up in a blanket and Fleamont was sitting in one of the chairs, eyes closed.

The young man tried to move without waking his father, who chuckled, "James, you're a lot of things, but sneaky is not one of them."

"Dad....I'm sorry," James said, feeling ashamed.

"This has been hard on all of us," Fleamont said, somewhat confused. Sensing that there was more to it, he asked, "James?" 

"I don't like seeing you cry," James said. "It reminds of...."

"I know, son. I know," he said gently. "Sit with me. We don't have to talk."

James said nothing, but stood, staring at the door, unsure of what to do. He felt weak crying like that in front of his father, that he lost all control of himself. His father opened the book that had been set on the table beside him and began to read. James understood that he was given an out if he wanted one, but in the end he decided to stay. A small part of himself asked: Who's there for him, though? Fleamont, no matter what happened, had done everything he could to be there for his son as often as he could. James felt guilty again about the lengths he had gone to keep his treatment of Snape away from his father. He had placed the blame squarely on that wizard because all heroes needed a real-life villain and Voldemort was not quite as accessible or to his mind, as dangerous, as that wizard was. It had never occurred to him that someone else would want to destroy Snape in such a brutal way. Despite how he felt, James was not quite ready to discuss that with his father, who seemed to know that his son had a number of things on his mind

The young man sat down on the sofa, smiling nervously at his father. He had wanted to talk about his mother, but did not quite know how to bring it up and feared that his father would become pained by wanting to discuss that subject. She had felt so close, yet just beyond reach. Fleamont, almost sensing his distress, set his book down, and focused his attention solely on his son, coaxing James to speak. At last, James seemed to find his words, "Dad, please don't get upset."

"Upset? About what?" Fleamont was momentarily baffled.

"Mom," James said the word as if it were the beginning of a prayer. "I want to remember her before....everything, but-"

"James, I'm not upset. If I could have her back, I'd sacrifice everything for just a few moments," Fleamont said sadly. "And you were so young, so very young."

"The memories are fading, dad," James exclaimed, trying desperately to not cry again. "I'm so afraid of losing what little I have of her."

"I know it's not a pensieve, but I come to it often. I had wanted to share it with you....but it was so hard...," Fleamont summoned a book, trying to hide the tear in his voice. But as James discovered, it was no ordinary book. It was a book of moving pictures, of immortalized memories, something immeasurably sacred. And somehow those images were more real than anything that had lain in his head. Or maybe because in the process of hearing his dad tell his stories about those golden days, it had created a glimmer that however fragile, there was and always would be hope. But as they neared the end, it became more difficult and James could only watch his dad's expression as his hand would caress that image longingly. And that, more than the tears in his eyes, rent his heart all the more and part of him understood why his father would have such a difficult time with sharing it, even with his own son.

* * *

All the days seemed so strange with Snape here. For every happy moment, there seemed to be a battalion of terrible news. Sometimes, James would wonder if the simple jaunts down memory lane with his father were just something of a dream. The medi-witches came and went, always (unintentionally, of course) seeming to inspire despair. It was not in their words, it was the sadness in their eyes, the sighs that would sometimes would escape their lips. The two that came most frequently were mothers themselves and to see one so young, even if it was Severus Snape, had greatly pained them, that much was clear. They provided such great care and it was in those moments that Lily would be forced to leave them to their duties. At first, she fought tooth and nail to stay, informing them that when Severus awoke, he would not like what was being done. But then, it was as if all that remained of her hope were dying embers and she would squeeze her best friends hand, saying that she would return. James would sense her reluctance and fear as she approached him. He remembered her mocking him when he refused to come in, but now....now he would give anything in the world to have her chide him.

James had tried to spend time with Lily, but even with her so close to him, there was a great fog between them. He couldn't find his bearings and she couldn't navigate in the fog. No matter the subject that came up, it always found its way back to Severus, until there was nothing more that could be said. James became frustrated with the tension and how Lily became almost indifferent to his gestures. She would look at him, eyes no longer cradling light or hope, wanting to say so much, yet somehow always stopping herself. Then suddenly came the realization that some of her secrets were Snape's as well and that in sharing them, it probably meant admitting that he was forever lost. James, of course, would talk to his father, trying to figure out an answer, but his father would pretty much tell him that he had to be patient. Grief, his father had, was like a storm; so easy to get swept up in, yet so hard to navigate-and even if you are successful, the scars still remain. Lily was struggling with how things were and the best thing for James to do, as Fleamont had told him earlier, was to just be there for her.

Then the news came that Voldemort was suddenly on the move again and Fleamont was gone more often; off to be the hero James always pictured him. The only difference was that this time, he was afraid of him not returning. James had determined that his own fears had more to do with Snape than anything else. HIs father had insisted that the young wizard would pull through, despite all of St. Mungo's disagreeing with him. If something happened to him, James wasn't sure that he had his father's faith that Snape would suddenly recover. Although, he was mildly amused at him recovering simply out of spite; after all, it would be like the darkling wizard to do something of that nature. He would sigh in relief as he caught sight of his father, who looked so weary, yet always made time for him and Lily, when she was staying with the Potters. Fleamont had determined that Lily should not be at the manor all the time. Not just because of her relationship with James, but more importantly, her worry about Severus and how much of an impact any news would have on her. This meant James had a lot of time by himself and he realized that these moments with his father were peace in the throes of chaos and that he should be grateful for those precious moments.

One evening, when an exhausted Fleamont returned to dine with both James and Lily, he seemed particularly sad. Normally, he would do all he could to spare everyone from the more grim aspects of his work. James would later discover that part of it lay in the fact that a child that bore a striking resemblance to Severus had been murdered by one of Voldemort's followers. James couldn't help but notice that his eyes were fixed on her, almost as if he were seeing her for the first time. Lily hardly seemed to notice, lost in her own world as she was, thoughts only ever on one person. His father looked at him, eyes asking for an apology for not seeing what was right in front of him. Lily was fading, not just in spirit, but in health, and because both had become so used to her presence and trying to assuage her guilt and grief, had neglected to see that she was practically starving herself. Fleamont smiled softly and asked her a question, which, to be fair she only acknowledged when she heard it was a question about the Severus she had known before all this. James could tell that it had surprised her; after all everyone was talking about the unconscious wizard as he was now and discussing how such a terrible event came to pass. In his most soothing voice, Fleamont asked again, "What is your favorite memory of Severus? I'd love to hear it, Lily." 

Lily thoughtfully looked at him, clearly searching for some memory, then she suddenly smiled and it was like the unveiling of the sun long hidden by clouds. With a lingering glance at the stairs, she sighed, the smile fading slowly away. "He used to come to my house a lot....but I didn't know about how bad-I mean I suspected. But I didn't, couldn't..."

Fleamont took her hand, which was set upon the table, "Lily, look at me-please." She raised her eyes and they all knew that she had blamed herself for what had happened to her best friend. James watched as his father squeezed her hand reassuringly. "No, none of that. What happened to Severus is not your fault, Lily. I can't make you believe me, but I know that he would tell you that, too. But tell me, us-something about him."

She smiled softly, despite her tears, "Sev would spend a lot of time with me and tell me everything about the magical world. My dad absolutely loved seeing him and showing him what he was working on. Sev was good with his hands and he was so eager to learn. Especially when it came to the car....both of them would be working on it, then talking about it. It was so annoying, but Sev would just make a sarcastic comment, which would make my dad laugh, which would make me laugh. Watching him work though was kind of magic all its own. It was having a problem to solve, something to fix. I mean when he's interested in something, Sev throws his entire being into it....I have so many happy memories with him....but when he was with my dad. Those are my favorites."

"It's a lovely one, Lily. Truly."

"It's just so strange to see him like this. Out of a nightmare...."

"Yes, it very much is," Fleamont got her to look up at him again. "Lily, we're worried about you, too."

"What? I'm-I'm fine," she protested.

"You're not the same," James interjected.

"How can I be? My best friend is....," she glared at him as the rest of that sentence died upon her lips, standing up to leave, ready to run to Severus's room.

"James, that is not helpful," Fleamont said, urging Lily to sit back down. "What he meant to say is that he's worried about you, Lily. We both are."

"How can I go through any of living when he......when he.....," she said, words fading to tears. "I don't want to pretend."

"We don't want you to, not at all," Fleamont said. "When Severus wakes up, he would be....."

"I know. I know, but it's just so hard to not know."

James watched his dad, who was battling his own tears, remembering losing someone so dear. "Alright. I will make a deal with you."

"A deal?" Lily became confused. "What kind of deal?"

"I will tell you, and only you," Fleamont glanced at James. "About how Severus is really doing. And before you ask, you can tell your dad. He sounds like he would like to know, too. But you have to promise me that you will try your very best to be healthy. None of us, Sev included, would want to see you lose hope."

Lily said nothing for a few moments and James began to worry. To him, it was an easy decision to make, but then again, he wondered how much of Snape had rubbed off on her. He loved her and even though he was absolutely clueless about how to help her, James still decided to try. Of course, he wanted to ram his head into a wall as soon as those words left his mouth. Patience. Of all the virtues he was supposed to learn, this was the one he hated the most, but seeing his father and how delicatel he was with Lily inspired him to keep trying. He may not say all the right things at all the right times, but he could still be there no matter what.

"Ok," Lily responded softly, sticking out her hand towards Fleamont. "Deal."

HIs dad chuckled, amused by the very muggle approach, and despite seeing that she was slightly embarrassed, he shook her hand. And for the first time since Snape arrived, they all laughed softly. For a few moments, the uncertainty was banished and for a moment there was the faint glimmer of a fast approaching dawn.


	5. A World Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A turn for the better?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm editing certain things as I go throughout this story. It takes time and editing is not quite as much fun as writing. But I will do all I can to make sure that the story is as coherent as possible. Thanks for your patience, kind words, and general positivity. And though, I'm not the best at responding to comments, I do read and appreciate them so much. Do enjoy!

Dumbledore had come to visit Severus and James was relieved that Lily had not yet arrived from her parents. Why he felt such relief, he didn't know and really wasn't in the mood to self-examine. But just as with Lily, he stood by the door, watching as the headmaster gazed upon the unconscious wizard. Dumbledore had sat down in the same chair that Lily so often sat in and pulled out a book. James expected that he would read the book as he saw adults do so often when sitting by hospital beds, waiting silently for the patient to wake up. Instead, he set the book on the table, placing an aged hand upon it, then leaned to whisper something into Snape's ear. Dumbledore straightened himself back up and kept a silent watch. 

"Your father has told me that you have not been in here since Mr. Snape's arrival," Dumbledore gave a curious glance at James after several minutes of seemingly obstinate silence. "And yet, you stand outside the door, watching. I wonder why that is."

"Well, professor, I doubt that he would want me in here when he wakes up," James tried to shrug it off. 

"Perhaps. Or maybe your thoughts about him have changed," Dumbledore arose and made his way to the door. "There is always terror when what we've long believed may have been clouded by what we want to be true. Sit with him, James. It may yet do a world of good."

"Sir," James began, unable to bear not knowing what Dumbledore thought, but terrified of the answer. "Is he.....is he going to…make it?"

Dumbledore stilled, casting another look into the room, "We must always trust to hope. He may yet surprise us."

With that, Dumbledore was gone, leaving James staring into the room. But he resolved that he should enter that room and he did, taking tentative steps until he was standing beside the bed. The young wizard once more looked upon Snape, who seemed no different than the last time that he was there. Before he could stop himself, he touched the unconscious wizard's face with a tender hand. The face was porcelain smooth and he looked so beautiful. With that thought, James pulled his hand away as one would do from the a flame against skin. Never would he or anyone that he knew, for that matter, ever describe Snape as beautiful. Yet here he was, cradling the thought, before chasing it away with willing the unconscious wizard to awaken.

James eventually sat down in the chair, focusing his vision on everything but Snape. "Sni--Snape, I know you hate me. You'd probably curse me into oblivion if you saw me here. But I'm so sorry.....for everything. I didn't mean....ok, maybe a small part did at the time. But now, it's different. I want you to wake up to cast your curses and hurl insults at me. I don't know why, but I miss them. Ok, maybe not miss them, per se. I don't know. And Lily, you have no idea how much she loves you. She's hardly left your side. Dad and I are worried that if we lose you, we'd lose her, too. And that hurts. Please. Please come back. I want to start over. Maybe even be friends. Please."

After that he fled from that room into his own, doing all he could to entertain himself until Lily arrived. Several hours had passed and Dumbledore was long gone. When she did cross that threshold into the house, James followed her up into Snape's room. But instead of staying outside the door, he stood beside the chair. Lily looked up at him, curiously, "I never thought you would enter this room again. And where'd this book come from? Did you bring it?"

"Dumbledore was here. I completely forgot about the book."

"Of course you would," she chortled.

"That's not fair. I like books."

"About quidditch and no.....that's about it," she gave a small smile.

"You wound me, Lils," he melodramatically placed a hand upon his heart.

"Did he.....Dumbledore say anything?"

And just like that, the tender moment was gone. James took her hand, "He asked me to sit with Snape a moment. And that he wouldn't tell anyone."

"Does he think Sev is...going to wake up?"

"I don't know. I think so."

Lily turned her eyes to her best friend, fighting the tears that would eventually win. James spoke again, "Maybe we can stay in here tonight.....you know, until he wakes up."

"I already do," Lily admitted. "I sneak in and sleep in the chair before anyone wakes up."

"Lily--"

"I know it's stupid, but he--"

"That's not what I was going to say. It's very kind of you. As long as we don't get in the way of the medi-witches, it shouldn't be a problem."

"And I will have my spot and you, yours."

"Ok. That's fine."

"And if you do anything.....I will hex you far worse than Sev will do."

"What?" James was taken aback, "I wouldn't do anything to hurt you."

"I'm just giving you a friendly warning."

And so for the next couple of nights, James and Lily slept in that room with Severus Snape. Fleamont approved, so long as they did not get in the way of the medi-witches or anyone else that had permission to enter that room. There would be no warnings if that did happen and they would be barred from entering that room at certain times for the future. Lily set up the sleeping arrangements so that she would be under the windows and closer to Sev, while James had the adjoining wall. They would sleep on small cots, which would be stored in the corner until they came back the next time they were in that room. James hated the cot, mostly because they were small and uncomfortable, but he refused to leave. He knew that she was struggling to sleep and it had little to do with discomfort. Not that he had slept particularly well, since all this started, but it was worse now with this seemingly nightly ritual of discomfort.

Sometimes, they would talk in the darkness, voices soft, as if afraid that they would the Slytherin. It would be about silly things, mostly, but it was all done in the hope that perhaps they would be able to fall asleep a little bit faster, to pretend that they didn't hate these cursed cots. Some nights it worked almost instantly; other nights, it would be a miracle if they managed to sleep at all. James loved those moments in a way, because he found parts of the connection that had been lost between them. Yet, he couldn't be sure that the remaining pieces would ever be discovered again. It came to him as fell asleep on one of those nights, that maybe some of those pieces were damaged beyond recognition. He had begun to dream of Snape waking up, his piercing ebony eyes and sharp tongue cutting him, reminding him of whom he was dealing with. Lily was often in those dreams, throwing her hands up in frustration as she realized that even on the verge of death, James and Severus would always be at each others throats. It was a welcome relief from the more disturbing ones that haunted him, he admitted to himself.

* * *

And so their ritual went on, but something felt different on this night, though there had been no reason for it. Things had felt different and Lily, sensitive as she was, had felt it first. The day had progressed as normal, or as much as they could under the circumstances. James had overheard one of the nurses telling his father that Severus was not getting any better, that if anything he was getting worse, and the humane thing to do would be to let him go. The very thought was painful, as he thought of Lily, of himself. He wanted the snarky snake with him....as a friend, amending that thought. But his dad shook his head, telling the nurse that he still believed that somehow, some way, Severus would awaken. James, just like with Dumbledore, marveled that they had clung so surely to hope, but was relieved that his father had not just let go.

He never told Lily what he had chanced to overhear. It would break her heart that those caring for their young charge, no longer believed that he was going to survive the ordeal. But James was certain that she felt it, but refused to say anything about it, lest it somehow make it more real than it actually was. And as they set up in their usual positions in that room, it was eerily silent. James didn't like it, not one bit, since he found it a bit unnerving. It served as a reminder that though he and Lily salvaged parts of their relationship, there was still such a great gulf between them. And unlike any of the other nights that they had stayed in that room, they fell asleep almost simultaneously.

There was a noise, a creak that seemed out of place, waking James up. He asked, rather loudly and groggily, "What? What was that?"

Lily answered, half-asleep herself, "Sev, go to sleep."

A voice, rough and soft from disuse, "Lily?"

James eyes widened in disbelief, not sure if what was happening was a dream or not. Lily answered, still not fully awake, "Sev….seriously. Go to sleep."

"Lily? Where are you?"

Then something must have clicked because she sprang up and ran to the bed, completely ignoring James. She said "Sev" like a mantra and saw the pale hand reach nervously reach out to her, "Is this real? It can't be. We're not friends anymore."

She burst into tears, saying how sorry she was. James could tell that Snape was overwhelmed by everything, probably trying to determine if this was a trap. He bit his lip at that thought, realizing how needlessly cruel he had been. Maybe if he had been less so, this would not have been so awkward. James left silently to get his dad, grateful in a way that Lily was the focal point, so that Snape wouldn't notice him. After that, he practically ran to his dad's room, pounding on the door, knowing that his dad would get over being upset once he was told what had happened. When Fleamont opened the door, tying up his robe, clearly annoyed, he asked, "What is it?"

"Dad, he's awake," James said, excitedly. "Snape's awake."

At that, James and his dad ran to Snape's room, opening the door ever so gently. They could hear Lily speaking at a million miles a minute, while the Slytherin was silent. But through her ramblings, Snape asked, "Lily.....please. Where am I?"

It was clear that she had not answered the question and considering where they all were, he could not blame her. She reminded him that he was safe and that was all that mattered. Snape must have noticed something move in the darkness, because he all of sudden asked, "Who's there?"

"I am going to turn on the light, Severus," Fleamont answered. "So please close your eyes for a moment."

"Sev," Lily said. "Trust me, you're safe."

Nothing else was said and a few of the lights came on. James saw Snape, who had somewhat raised himself up, blink, realizing that he had not heeded the warning. Then the panic as he saw those dark eyes fixed on his dad. James wondered why that was until he realized that he had always been told how much he looked like his father and more than likely, Snape thought the absolute worst. Snape was panicking, trying to find his wand, James surmised, but it was not anywhere near him. He was wincing in pain, as he tried to get his body to move, to escape. Lily was trying to allay his panic, "Sev, I promise you're safe. Please, you're hurt."

"NO!" Sev practically screamed and the room trembled, or James thought it did. That was, until his eyes returned to his father, who felt what we had. What remained was a the ebb of quite powerful magic. And for a moment, everyone stilled, taking in that, suddenly afraid of upsetting the fearful wizard, waiting for it to fade before saying or doing anything else.

"Mr. Snape, please," Fleamont tried again.

"You're his dad," Snape said, warily. "You're going to hurt me. Please, let me go. I want to go home."

"What?" Fleamont, clearly taken aback looked at James, which also drew Snape's eyes. Those dark eyes were full of more anger than panic, as he took in his presence. "Hurt you? No, not all. We're trying to help you and that's why you're at my home."

"Sev, please," Lily said, putting her hands on either side of his face, forcing him to look at her. James saw those eyes soften as he looked into hers. "Do you know how happy I am that you're here with me?"

"They're liars, Lil. Both of them," Snape said softly. "I don't trust them."

"Then please, trust me, Sev," she pleaded, trying to convince him otherwise. 

"No," Snape said softly. "I can't. Not after what Potter's done to me. I want to go home....now."

James once again felt his dad's disappointed eyes upon him and he avoided them for as long as he could. He knew, without a doubt, that this conversation was going to be more unpleasant than the first one they had when it came to Snape. But considering the visceral reaction that someone who even resembled James elicited, he couldn't quite blame his dad for tearing into him. He had the opportunity to be honest from the outset, but he opted for lies by omission. James had deluded himself into thinking that maybe Snape would come around and understand his side of things, that everything that occurred since the moment they met, never happened. Instead, he was to be punished by everyone in that room and he knew it. 

Snape loosed himself from Lily's grip and exhausted himself with trying to move off the bed. James had wondered how Snape, who had been unconscious for so long, still had enough strength to even do that. Lily ran around to the other side of the bed, trying to calm him, but nothing seemed to work. The wizard was absolutely determined to leave, but suddenly collapsed, clearly exhausted. "I want to go home."

"I know, Sev," Lily kissed his cheek. "I know, but we can't yet."

"Why not?"

"Because--"

Fleamont interrupted her, "Do you not remember what happened?"

Snape turned his eyes back to Fleamont, clearly confused. For a reason, James didn't see, Snape seemed to relax ever-so-slightly. But as he looked at his dad, he saw the stricken expression on his face. The pale wizard shook his head slowly, returning his gaze back to Lily, who had turned her eyes away, hoping for some answer from her. None was forthcoming, so he turned those mistrustful eyes back to Fleamont.

"If I can't leave, then I want to see my mom."

James saw the pained look on his dad's face, which confused Snape even more. The young wizard demanded again, "I want to see my mom....now."

Still there was no answer and the wizard coaxed Lily to look at him, offering her a slight smile, "Lily, please. All I want is my mom. Please, get her for me."

Lily's eyes filled with tears and all she could say was, "Sev, I'm sorry. So very sorry."

"What is going on here? All I want is my mom. I need to make sure she's safe," Snape pleaded.

James had no idea what to say or even do, so he kept his mouth shut, but he saw his dad, say the words that everyone understood he would have to say, "I'm sorry, Severus. She didn't make it. Your mother passed away before you came here."

"No, no, no," Severus stammered. "Liar! You just don't want me to see her."

"Severus, please. If I could have her here, I would," Fleamont said softly, wanting to approach the unfortunate youth, yet knowing that he probably wouldn't appreciate the gesture, however well intentioned. 

"You're lying," Severus spat, before turning to look at Lily, forcing her tearstained eyes to look at him. "Lily, please. Get my mom. Bring her here, please."

"Sev, it's true," she went to hug him, but he pushed her away.

"Why are you lying to me, Lily?"

"I wouldn't lie to you," she said, clearly hurt by his question. "Especially about this. I know how much you love your mom."

James felt his father rush him out of the room, to give Severus and Lily some privacy. But he also knew he wanted the him about what exactly his son had done to Severus Snape. The bedroom door closed shut and he barely registered his father telling him that he wanted to see him in his office. Fleamont had left him there, probably getting both himself and James enough time to prepare for the uncomfortable conversation that was to come. But all James could think about were those dark, liquid eyes filling with the same realization he had when he had lost his mom all those years ago. And the last thing he heard, before the silencing spell (probably) was cast, was the sound of a heartbroken scream.


	6. Unwelcome Guillotines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punishment and realizations. The beginning of an unintentional seduction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, the seduction part is very short, too short, but I didn't want it to be too drawn out either. I'm imagining Alan's voice, because I love it so much. Hearing him read poetry is just....a treat for myself. Do enjoy. I will more than likely be coming to edit certain things, eventually. I'll have the next chapter out soon.

It was a trial and his father was the judge. 

But he wasn't all that surprised, not when Snape behaved like he had. Standing in that office, his father's eyes upon him, angry and silent. It was the former that bothered James the most, because there was no hiding from the truth now or the scattered thoughts that slammed themselves against the halls in his mind. He had delayed the inevitable, hoping that Snape would just forgive him outright, though he had no right to even request or even request that. But more than that, he had never, in his short life, seen his father that angry at him. Fleamont at last spoke, "Give me one good reason why I should believe anything you say."

"Dad, I--," James trailed off, at last raising his head. He could not long endure the look in his father's eyes, so he tried finding something in that room to put his thoughts again. Eventually, his blue eyes rested on the golden lion paperweight that rested on his father's desk. It was ironic, because right now, he knew he was being a coward. James didn't have anything else to say, because there was no justifiable reason.

"That boy believes that I'm going to hurt, possibly kill him," Fleamont stated, trying to maintain his calm. "I gave you so many opportunities to come forward. Godric knows that I knew more happened then you let on and I thought that, in time, you'd actually tell me. If you had any decency, you'd feel ashamed. I certainly do since I failed your mother in raising you."

"Dad, I'm sorry-"

"I'm not finished." Fleamont voice resounded throughout the room, "You expect me to treat you like an adult when you can't even take responsibility for your own actions? And you have the temerity to think an apology is just going to wipe the slate clean? No, I don't believe you and Severus shouldn't either. Do you have any idea how difficult it's going to be to keep that unfortunate young man on our side? We may as well just give him a few galleons to help him on his way to Voldemort. And frankly, I wouldn't blame him."

Fleamont shook his head, "You're lucky Lily is here, because otherwise I have no idea how we'd even begin to calm him without magic. Though, his trust in her seemed to be hanging by a thread. I need to alert Dumbledore and the medi-witches should be here any minute. You are to go to bed and are prohibited from being anywhere near Severus Snape, unless I or any adult is present. You're dismissed."

"And another thing," Fleamont said, stopping James from leaving one last time. "Actually, two. Firstly, we are going to discuss this further tomorrow. Secondly, I will be writing to your friends' parents to inform them that you will not be spending the summer holiday with them. Until further notice, you are not allowed to communicate with them unless it is absolutely necessary and that will be determined by me. Good night."

James felt completely whiplashed by everything, especially by his father feeling like he had failed his mother. That, along with his father's fury, had taken him by complete surprise. He cried silently as he wandered to his bedroom, wanting to tell Fleamont that he had not failed, maybe a little too indulgent at times, but never did James feel that his father had failed. And as he made his way slowly to his destination, he felt even worse knowing that it didn't matter how justified he felt in his war against Snape, but his myopic view had catastrophic consequences for those he cared most about. He felt guilty about dragging his friends into his petty grievances against the lone Slytherin and for what? After all, he was the one with all the friends, dating his dream girl, and most of the professors liked him. Now he was struggling with why he couldn't leave Snape alone, why he constantly wanted his focus upon him.

Before his thoughts took him down that least desired of paths, he saw Lily leaning against the hallway wall just beside Severus's bedroom door, face in her hands. Instead of going straight to bed like his father had told him to do, he sat beside her. She started suddenly at the realization that she was no longer alone and relaxed, "Did the mediwitches kick you out, then?"

She shook her head and he had to admit, was surprised. "Why?"

"Why do you think?" Lily replied angrily, then sighed, "I'm sorry. I was stupid and thought that Sev and I could be friends like we used to be."

"Lily-," James started to say.

"No, James," she said, turning her face towards his. "What kind of friend just gives up? I knew he didn't mean what he called me, but I still abandoned him."

"But he made it clear what way he was going to go," James said. "Didn't he?"

"I heard what I wanted to hear, because it was just easier that way. Easier to think that he cared more about the dark arts than he did me, because I was worn down by everyone questioning why I cared so much. It shouldn't take him dying for me realize how much he means to me. He loved me more than I loved him and I punished him for it."

"Yes," she said after a moment of silence. "He made his choices, I know that, but I shouldn't have just pushed him away like I did. And you what hurts even more? He asked if I was ashamed of being his friend. I would much rather have him throw every dark curse he knows at me than have been asked that. Maybe at the time I was, because everyone was telling me that he was evil...…he's just so difficult sometimes and I was too selfish to be there when he needed me to be."

"I don't know, Lily," James said at last. "I wish I could go back and undo it all."

"Me, too. Me, too," she said, nestling up against him. "How was your dad?"

"I've never seen him so angry before. Terrifying to be honest. And that's only part one."

"Part one? That is bad," Lily said in response. "My dad will be happy to hear that Sev's awake."

"Lily," James sighed. "I don't know what's going to happen, but you know I love you, don't you?"

"Yes, James, I do. And I love you, too."

After several more minutes, James stood up and helped Lily to her feet as well to walk her to her room. He kissed her softly, "If my dad catches me out, he's going to kill me. I'm not supposed to be anywhere near Snape. And I doubt that he would want us in the same room, either."

"Your dad does know that's impossible, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"I spent a great deal of time wondering whose attention you really wanted, Sev's or mine. Either way, you did it in the worst way possible."

James was glad that it was dimly lit in the hallway and that she had her back to him. He blushed, furiously at that, but then laughed, not wanting to think about what that comment implied. Dismissing it forever (he hoped, anyway), he said, "I just thought that you were too perfect to be friends. I was jealous."

"Jealous? Now...."

"Don't you dare plant ideas in my head, Lily Evans."

"Well, you're no fun," she smiled, turning to face him. "Thanks James, really. You didn't need to hear all of.....everything."

"It's fine, Lily," James responded, trying to be as supportive as he could. "Good night. I'll see you in the morning."

"Ok. Good night."

* * *

It was a trial and his father was the judge.

In some ways, standing in front of his father again was even worse. It was obvious that Fleamont had very little sleep and had little patience, which was clear as soon as James came into the office. His father raised his eyes for a moment to register that he was there, than returned to whatever it was he was looking at. If James had to guess, it had something to do with Snape, because now that he was awake, it would be of great interest once it got out. He stood, back pressed along the door, so tired that he felt he was just going to fall asleep right then. Eventually, Fleamont signaled that he could sit in one of the chairs that was in front of the desk, which he did, but still his father said nothing for several minutes. 

One of the house-elves, which one, James had absolutely no idea, had brought a tray of sandwiches (it was lunch after all) and carrots. Having skipped breakfast, because he kept trying to sleep, he was finished. His father said nothing, but said nothing about it, so he kept eating. His father poured him a cup of tea and gave it to him, not realizing how thirsty he actually he was. Fleamont took a sip from his own cup, set it down, and looked expectantly at James, who became extraordinarily confused. Out of nowhere Fleamont asked, "What is your favorite sport?"

"Quidditch," James answered, quickly.

"Are you dating Lily Evans?"

"Yes, of course. She's here now," James answered. "What is the point of all this?"

"How long have you hated Severus Snape?"

"Since first year."

"Was it because of Lily? Her friendship with him?"

"He always had to prove that he was better than me in school. Always had to make me feel that I would never be good enough for Lily."

"What did you to him?"

"I proved that he was beneath me," James responded, realizing that his father had put veritaserum in his tea. He had pushed his father to this point and wished that he had his invisibility cloak so he could disappear. 

"How exactly did you do that?"

"Part of me hoped that Remus killed him when he transformed," James paled as soon as he said that, eyes looking at the tea cup in his hands, unable to bear the probably horror on his father's face. "Before I got there, I mean. I just wanted him to go away, to leave me alone, to get out of my head."

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

"He seems to be everywhere. Has to remind me how powerful he is," James started to cry. "Dad, please, don't ask me anything else."

"One more question: Do you feel remorse now?"

"Yes, especially after seeing Lily. I want to tell him I'm sorry. I don't even care if he forgives me."

James felt Fleamont's eyes boring into him, "You have to understand that I didn't want to do this. But I felt that I couldn't trust you. I still don't even know if I can."

"Dad, I'm so sorry," James said, mostly because he couldn't think of anything else.

"I'm visiting Severus in a few minutes to see how he is. I want you to tell him you're sorry. No, I don't expect him to believe, let alone forgive you. Right now, the only hope we have is that his devotion to Lily is strong enough to keep him here."

James didn't say anything, but he desperately wanted so much to start over, especially now with everything that had happened. He followed shyly behind his dad, having no clue where Lily was, but he did remember that Snape didn't want to see her. When they entered the room, Snape was awake, but barely registered that they were there. James wondered where he would escape to when the world became too much to bear. Did Snape think about his mom like he had when he felt lost or confused? James wanted to know so desperately in that moment who this wizard was, but the likelihood of that happening was slim to none. He didn't know what to expect, but seeing Snape like that, so disengaged had stunned him.

James wanted the wizard he went to school with, the one with the witty retorts, that somehow managed to maintain his pride despite everything that he and his friends did to him. This wasn't the Snape that he knew and part of him wanted to go over to him and hug him, to say sorry, for everything. Eventually, Snape did look at him, but James felt that it was through him more than anything. The dark pools of those eyes were still, almost vacant and he couldn't be sure what was real anymore, of what he wanted to be, other than to see Snape, his dad, and Lily find their joy again. His dad spoke to one of the elder mediwitches, who clearly had seniority.

"Has he said anything, Sarah?" 

The nurse shook her head, "Fleamont, I'm worried. There's is some strange magic here, but I don't quite know what it is. What happened to him?"

"Answers will come soon, I hope," he answered. "We just have to have a little hope. Until then, let's do all we can to help him."

Sarah said nothing, but she smiled sadly before leaving, leaving the Potters and a mute wizard behind. James suddenly felt enough courage to speak, realizing that since Snape had woken up, hadn't said anything. He wasn't sure why that was, but there was something that had made him uneasy and he couldn't figure out why. When he said, "I'm sorry," Snape just looked at him again, frowned, shook his head, and basically dismissed his comment. James expected that to happen, but it hurt so much to have it play out like he expected. Hearing Snape not speak bothered him, because there was so much power, so much magic in it. And he couldn't understand why he had missed it so much, but only that he would do anything to have him speak again. When James went to sleep that night, he imagined that he heard Snape speaking, reading some poem that he knew Lily liked. He knew a little of muggle literature, but he couldn't help but imagine those seductive words spoken by that mellifluous voice. 


	7. Monsters and the Orphan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark truths are revealed. Fleamont shares what he thinks happened. Sev finally speaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was difficult to write, because it touches on things which hurt my heart and I'm quite sensitive about. I try to be as delicate as I can with these subjects, but there is referenced child abuse and attempted suicide. I want to give everyone a warning before reading. And I wasn't expecting to be finished with it so quickly. Otherwise, I do hope very much hope that you enjoy it.

Lily had been right. He had a difficult time trying to keep himself away from Snape. It was easy to tell himself that it was just boredom, but that wasn't quite it either. Of course he missed his friends, but they never pulled at him in quite the same way as Snape did. Not even Lily had that ability to hold his attention for long before his thoughts wandered over to the other wizard. The only difference between then and now, was that he had no buffers to keep the myriad of thoughts he had about Snape from entering his mind. Even with Lily here, she was as distant as his friends were, but obviously in a different way. And with Snape awake and so torturously close, he wanted nothing more than to be in the same room, to feel that rush he always had felt when Snape was near. James never mentioned it to anyone, especially Lily, knowing that she would read into it, though he was certain that she sensed something. It wasn't an attraction, he told himself; it was the fact that Snape was a puzzle he simultaneously wanted to leave alone and yet solve.

But that desire turned to concern since Snape was still not speaking. Lily had told him that it was awful to be there in that room with such an oppressive silence. Gone were the days when it had been companionable, when darkness was little more than something out of a fairy tale. James would just hold her as she wept onto his chest, wondering if she deserved his friendship. He was curious as to why Snape didn't just forgive her, because it was clear he had such great affection for her. Despite not knowing what to say, let alone do, he did all he could to comfort her, telling her that she'd eventually be forgiven. James knew it by the way Snape had sought her out and looked at her when he had first woken up. He envied her that, because he had slung too many arrows to expect forgiveness, though he now hoped for it now. But those times with Lily never lasted or they seemed to short that James wondered if they happened at all. 

Occasionally, James would catch the nurses, who would tell him the same thing. They would say nothing else about their patient, but it was clear that they were still worried. And while a part of him wanted to know, something told to not be so eager. It had been three days since Snape had woken up and still the room was utterly silent. Aside from the occasional visitor, namely the mediwitches, Fleamont, and Lily, no one else had come by. He had spent those days trying to stay clear of his father, because he was still upset, but James couldn't help but wonder: _Was there no other family to care?_ It was not possible for anyone to be that alone, yet no one claiming to be a relative had yet appeared. He had not thought about it before, because it wasn't something that particularly interested him. But now that it had, it tormented him, making him feel even worse because James couldn't begin to imagine how difficult it would be to wake up to find the world not as you had left it. 

James decided to talk to his father, gradually making his way to his office. He suddenly stopped, as he heard his father and Dumbledore arguing. It was something that took him by surprise, given his father's respect and the elderly professor's power and knowledge. All he heard was his father say, "No, Albus. You crippled Severus by not coming to his defense long before things escalated with my son."

"Fleamont, I just want to check and see how he is," Dumbledore said.

"I've given you accurate updates on his progress," Fleamont said. "And I know well enough that there is more to it than that. You want to see how much this affects our side. Albus, please, this boy has been through enough and it's too soon to make him feel even more suspicious than he already does."

"You have a father's affection for the boy," the elderly wizard said. "That will do well in gaining his trust."

"It has nothing to do with trust," Fleamont answered. "It has to do with a young man who has suffered Godric knows what by those that should've cared for him. Powerful as he is, we're lucky that he hasn't run into Voldemort's camp."

"Let me see Mr. Snape, Fleamont," Dumbledore asked insistently.

"My answer is still no," his father insisted. "And so long as he is my house, Severus Snape is under my care. He is still in shock, as you can imagine, and needs time to recover."

"I will relent for the time being, Fleamont," Albus said. "There is no telling what will happen when Voldemort discovers that the wizard is awake or to what lengths he'll take to get him."

"Then we will have to trust in our secrecy, then," James heard his father say that and movement inside the room "Safe travels, Albus." 

Dumbledore was gone and the only evidence that he had even been there when James opened the door, was a faint pulse of magic from the floo. His father had his chin resting on top of his hands, clearly lost in thought. James silently closed the door behind him, calling out in a tentative voice, "Dad?"

Fleamont quickly came back to himself, and smiled at his son, but frowned when James looked away. "What is it? What's wrong?"

"Are you still upset with me?" James sat in the chair across from his father.

"Yes," Fleamont answered. "But you're still my son and something is bothering you. What's going on?"

"Doesn't he have a family?" James asked, after a few moments of silence. "I mean, no one's been to see him, aside from us."

Fleamont sighed and looked sadly at his son, "HIs mother was disowned and his father's family want nothing to do with him."

"But why?" James asked, confused about how anyone could be that cruel. "I mean, even Sirius....."

"Sirius was his father's heir and was loved, even if it was far too short. That is not something to be cast aside lightly," his father sighed. "Severus wasn't so fortunate. Perhaps his mother loved him, but not enough to leave a terrible situation."

"What do you mean?"

"There are monsters in this world, James, and some of them are those that are supposed to love us."

James frowned, "So....his father was a monster?"

"One that I'm glad you didn't have to meet when you entered that house," Fleamont's voice cracked. "I could've lost you that day, too. Muggle or not, he still could've hurt you and Lily."

"Did he hurt Snape, then?" James asked, trying to stop the formation of his tears. "I mean....before all of this?"

"Yes, that's why the mediwitches were concerned because there was so much underlying trauma, some of it mended by magic, others....," he stopped for a moment, visibly becoming upset. James knew it had to have been bad for his father to behave in such a fashion. "Dumbledore had to have known what was going on, as many times as that boy went to see Madame Pomfrey. And that's why I can't let him near Severus right now. He should've treated that boy like he does you."

"But why not do anything? If he knew, then...."

"Did Severus ever mention anything like that to you?"

James stopped, thought for a moment and before his dad could say anything else, he softly said, "Yes."

"Why didn't you say anything about it? James, this is serious. I don't even think Lily knows how serious it really is."

"We thought he was trying to be tough. I mean, there was a fight. He lost his wand because we came up behind and hexed him. Sirius, at one point, punched him really hard in the chest, because Snape insulted him. I thought for a moment some bones were broken, but Snape just mocked him even more, saying that he'd been hit harder. It never occurred to us....that it meant anything."

James looked earnestly at his father, still trying to wrap his mind about what was being disclosed. It never occurred to him that Snape came from such a dark place, but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. He had assumed that the wizard was just evil because of what he knew of anyone associated with Slytherin. The idea that anyone had that terrible of an upbringing was something that he never even considered possible. But seeing the expression on his dad's face, James got up, hugged him and apologized for everything that he did. It wasn't until that moment, he realized how lucky he was to be loved. After a moment, he returned to his seat, "I still don't understand. Why not say something, anything?"

After a moment, his dad said, "I expect that Severus didn't want anyone to know and he probably lied, thinking it was better that way. Noone bothered to defend him then, so why would they now? It's cruel, so very cruel."

"What about Lily? They were best friends. Why not tell her, at least?"

"He probably thought he was protecting her."

"So what happened, dad....that day when Lily and I....?"

"It's hard to say. But whatever happened, Severus is lucky to have even survived it. If I had to venture a guess, something happened to make that muggle attack his mother and son. How he ended up dead, I don't know. But there was so much dark magic in that house....I've never felt that level of terror, not in a muggle home at least."

"Dad, why does Dumbledore think they want him so badly?"

"You remember when he woke up," Fleamont stated. "When we all thought that the room was going to cave in on us....James, he was in a weakened state and wandless. He'd be an utter fool to not want Severus on his side. But the way he's been treated by us only pushes him into darkness."

* * *

James knew, without his father extracting a promise, that he didn't want to share it, especially with Lily. If he were honest, he wish that he didn't even know it. There was no way that he could treat the wizard the way he had before. It was such a heavy weight to carry and he marveled at how Snape had the strength to bear it. But there was so much more that was implied, but he, while curious, also was terrified of knowing much more. It physically made him ill to know what he did and more ashamed of what he had done. The strange thing, though, was that he didn't feel much pity for Snape, it was more than that. He respected him for being as strong as he had been, doubting that he would have been able to handle it. There was only one time that he could recall that he saw a crack in Snape's veneer, which he ignored, thinking that he had imagined it.

When it came to the shrieking shack, James wondered how one of the most suspicious wizards he knew, suddenly believed Sirius, who had told him that he didn't expect the Slytherin to go out there. But he remembered going out and the state that the wizard was in. What scared James the most that night, though he never mentioned it and tried as best he could to not think about, was the fact that Snape hadn't been terrified; it was as if he half-expected it, almost welcomed it. It wasn't until they were in front of Dumbledore that he said that he had been scared and accused them all of attempted murder. And maybe he had been scared, James thought, but it had been hard to tell. He needed to tell his dad about what happened at the shrieking shack. James was certain that his dad wouldn't believe him; after all, he had not exactly been forthcoming or honest in the past when it came to the unfortunate wizard. As unpleasant as that memory was, it was something that he needed to share. 

He sought out his dad the day after he had discovered what he had about Snape, not expecting the memories of that night to assault. The next day, he found his dad in the living room. Lily was in her room, still asleep, as it was still early. His dad had been surprised, because James was definitely not a morning person, but the look on his face, must have been enough to give his dad pause. Fleamont had known at the time, but was given a sanitized version of what actually had transpired. His dad sat in shock, with tears standing in his eyes, grief-stricken. James had not seen him like that since his mother died, something that he had not expected. Without a word, Fleamont arose and walked to Snape's room, with his son trailing behind. 

When father and son entered, Snape was standing at the window, the promise of the morning spread before him. Either he was lost in his own thoughts or ceased caring, but the wizard had done nothing, at least until James closed the door behind him. Snape slowly turned, wincing as he did so because his body was still suffering from the stab wound across his abdomen. The Slytherin faced them, eyes red from crying, slowly constructing the walls about himself to feign indifference. Fleamont, went to him and wrapped Snape in a hug. James saw the confusion in those eyes as the wizard looked at him. When Fleamont pulled away, he stared into those dark eyes, searchingly, while James just stared at the pair, trying to figure out what he should do.

"Severus, I'm glad you're here," Fleamont said. "I was told that you love potions and am making arrangements so that you can study while you're here. Of course, until you are able to move better, I would much rather you read and join us for dinner."

Snape just looked at him, suspicious of what was being offered. It wasn't something that was altogether surprising to either Potter, but Fleamont was generous, almost to a fault. Still the wizard said nothing, stone-faced, waiting for the catch.

James watched his dad, who was seemingly undeterred by Snape's caution, "I am also not allowing Dumbledore to visit you until it is appropriate. You have not been treated fairly. I want to make amends for that, Severus. Will you let me try?"

Still nothing and the expression on that pale face did not change. It seemed to James that Snape had not heard a single word. Fleamont sighed and signaled to James that it was time to leave, "Think about it. Please?"

Just as they were about to walk out, Snape spoke, "Why? Why are you doing this? I don't understand."

Fleamont turned to him, a soft smile on his face, "Because you matter, Severus."

James sighed in relief and while Snape still looked doubtful, though for a moment, those obsidian eyes looked hopeful. And for a moment, James was glad that he was here to not only hear the wizard speak, but to see a touch of happiness in those eyes. It was too short and he turned away quickly, when he realized that Snape had caught him staring. The darkling wizard shook his head, "No. No, I really don't. Why should I matter to you?"

"I think you're destined to be a great wizard, Severus. Merlin forbid anyone that underestimates you."

Snape was still skeptical, but couldn't resist a small smile at being complimented in such a grand fashion. Then the smile fell away and Snape sighed, "I wish my mom could see it."

Nobody said anything for a moment. There was nothing that could be said to lessen his grief, James knew that first hand. He and his dad had found that the only way to get through it was together. Even now, there were moments when like an island appearing suddenly in a wide expanse of sea, they were assaulted by how much they missed her. But Snape, unlike himself and Fleamont, did not have anyone to share that journey with him. He was alone to wander his own sea of grief and anyone who accompanied him, would not see those islands arising, until he had set foot on the shore, leaving them on the ship, awaiting his return.


	8. Dreamer's Feast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dream and a couple of conversations. James is still very much confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, chaos reigns in my life apparently. I'm trying to come up with a way for chapters to come out on a more regular basis. As always, thanks for reading. And when I have a bit more time, will come back to edit. Enjoy!

_He heard screaming and wondered how no-one else had heard it. The source had been from Snape's room, which had surprised James all the more that there had been no response from anyone else. Suddenly, he found himself at the door, debating if whether or not he should go in, twisting the wand he didn't know he grabbed in his hands. Fleamont had told him explicitly to not go anywhere near Snape, but hearing those tormenting screams on the other side of that door greatly troubled him. James feared leaving, though he did not know quite why he felt that way; after all, the wizard was safe from the outside world. When he opened the door, and muttered 'lumos', he saw him on that bed, writhing in agony, clearly In the midst of a nightmare._

_James realized that his long-time rival was not wearing a nightshirt and despite his erratic movements, he saw it: the bitter, red smile across the abdomen. The major damage had been healed, but there was something that prevented that scar from fading away completely and it horrified James as if it were another entity. Yet, for whatever reason he approached the bed and it seemed to him that the screams subsided to little more than a whimper. Snape curled himself in the fetal position and even though he was crying, his eyes were closed tight. James had no idea what to do, because most of his memories of the wizard were of his aloofness, with occasional passionate outbursts. All he could think of saying to Snape was, "You're safe, Severus. No one can hurt you."_

_Severus, answered, voice languid and soft, "He'll find me. He always finds me."_

_"What? No! We're going to protect you."_

_But it seemed that the wizard had not heard him, "He's going to kill me this time. I know he will."_

_James panicked, suddenly wanting to leave, because that one sentence, spoken like one certain of his fate, scared him. The room was deathly silent and it seemed to him, on the edges of light surrounding his magic, that there was perverse force waiting for the light to fade, for him to leave before assaulting Snape. After a moment of considering what he should do, James turned to leave, but something happened. When he turned to see his head to see what exactly it was, he saw the slender arm of Severus Snape extended towards him, that graceful hand grabbing his own, squeezing it, "Please.....stay with me."_

_It jarred him that this was even happening, so for a moment, he had no idea how to respond. Then he felt the hand begin to loosen and slip away, which pulled James away from his indecision, "I'll stay, Severus. I'll stay."_

_James clutched the hand as if it were a lifeline. And when he squeezed it to assure the other that he was there, Severus opened those midnight eyes and smiled dreamily up at him, before closing them again. It had shocked James so much, but this whole night had been full of that. Seeing that almost beatific smile seemed to banish all the monsters that had lain watchful on the perimeter. He suddenly felt safe again and didn't want to leave. Suddenly Snape let go of his hand as he turned way from him to lay on his side. James crawled in after him, pulling the Slytherin flush against himself, gently putting a hand on the wound, hoping that his own magic would be enough to heal it. Then James whispered softly, "You're not alone. I--we'll be with you. I promise."_

* * *

The sunlight was streaming through the windows as he woke up in his own bed, alone. Then it all came back to him, the dream he had of Snape, and he wondered what it all meant. After a few minutes of laying there in thought, James decided to dismiss it. Everything that happened was due to stress, nothing more than that; it was just him trying o figure out how to help a wizard, who was struggling with a whole new life. The dream was just a release for it, wasn't it? No, he told himself not to think about it anymore. Snape was still going to be the same as he was in school, wasn't he? Even then, the wizard had this remoteness to him, almost like he was afraid of letting anyone get too close. But knowing what he did now, it was tragically logical.

It also raised so many other questions and the one he really didn't want to know the answer to was why, in the dream, he had crawled into bed with him. James knew that when he told Lily, he was going to leave that part out. He couldn't be sure how she would respond and there was something about that moment, even if it was a dream, that was just so precious to him. Lily would think that there was some deeper meaning behind why he did what he did instead of just leaving. James wondered why he was thinking so hard about this subject after telling himself that it had hardly mattered. After all, it was just a dream, nothing more than that.

After getting dressed, James decided to go for a walk to clear his head, since sleep was no longer possible. He huffed, got dressed, and decided to go for a walk outside, hardly knowing where he was going. It was slightly cooler than he was expecting, but he relished the sun on his skin when it popped out again from behind the clouds. When he stopped, James looked up towards the house, suddenly realizing that he had stopped in front of Snape's window. He saw Snape looking at him and suddenly became very self-conscious. How long had he been watching him? The distance was too great for him to gauge the expression, but he could feel the intentness of that gaze, eventually feeling a terror of having that dream being discovered. James turned away, feeling the fear wan, and quickly walked away. He needed to talk to Lily.

It had taken him longer to find her than he had anticipated. But when he did find, he gave himself a facepalm, because she was in his family library with a book spread before her. Of course she would be, because that's where she and Snape spent most of their time together. James realized that Lily was probably waiting for her friend to appear so that they could talk reconnect. Her smile had slightly faltered when she saw James, but those pretty green eyes could not hide the disappointment when it wasn't who she really wanted to see. In the past, if that had happened, he realized that he would've been angry, but now--now he had no idea what to feel.

"I'll leave you alone, Lils," he said, softly. "I didn't mean to disturb you."

"No...stay," she said, trying to be her old self. "If you want to."

"Ok," James said, sitting beside her on the sofa. They said nothing for a few uncomfortable minutes, until he said, "I wasn't expecting you to be in here so early."

Lily looked at her hands, "Sev and I used to meet in the library as early as we could. I thought that maybe...."

"You thought he'd find his way here," James said after she trailed off.

"I know he's angry with me and frankly, I can't blame him," Lily said. "It's just that....why didn't I see how much he meant to me?"

"We're kids, Lil," James said, not sure what else he should say. This was very much the same discussion they had before. And even with what he knew, there wasn't much that he could tell her. "And he'll forgive you. I know he will."

She narrowed her eyes, "And how do you know that? I broke a promise, James. He always was there for me and I hurt him."

"He's not completely innocent, Lily. He made his own choices."

"I know that," Lily replied. "But I should've done more, told someone before all of this....I knew something was wrong, just not how bad. He was trying to protect me. I just didn't see it, then, but do now. He's been doing that since...when he didn't let me come over...I should've protected him like he did me."

"Lily--," he was frustrated with this constant rehash of what they've already talked about.

"No," she interrupted. "I might as well have stabbed him myself. If Sirius had...."

"That's not fair," James responded. "Don't drag him into this."

"Yes, but if Sirius were in trouble, you'd do all you could to help."

James said nothing, because he, like her, already knew the answer. Sirius was the brother he never had and the whole world pretty much knew it. Lily sighed, "I did absolutely nothing. All I did was give him platitudes, expecting him to just do the right thing because that's what I wanted him to do."

"He's going to forgive you," James repeated what he had said earlier.

"I know," Lily said after a moment. "I don't deserve it, especially now. I can't even forgive myself."

After a few moments of awkward silence, Lily changed the subject somewhat, "You were looking for me?"

"Of course I was," James responded. "Like a flower seeking the sun."

"That was terrible," Lily grimaced. "A library full of books.....and that's the line you're going with?"

"I'm a poet and besides, there's more where that came from."

"For the love of Godric, keep it to yourself," Lily chuckled.

"You're just jealous of my lyrical ability."

"That's absolutely it. You got me," she rolled her eyes. Silence enveloped once again.

"I need to ask you something. About Snape."

"Alright.....what is it?" Lily said, eying him suspiciously. 

"Does he ever....I don't know how to say this without sounding like I'm crazy. Do you ever feel like he's reading your mind?"

Lily just stared at him for a minute. "Of all the things that I was expecting, that definitely wasn't it."

"I'm serious. I was standing outside his window and he was looking at me."

"So he was looking out his window. James, that's perfectly normal" Lily sighed, when she saw that he was still troubled.

"And then there was the dream," James mentioned, feeling caught out as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

"Dream? What dream?"

"He was screaming. I came into the room because no-one else heard him. He was trapped in a dream and it was terrifying. He thought someone was coming to kill him. I wanted to leave, but he....but he asked me to stay. So I stayed." James, upon seeing the look in her eyes, "I didn't know what else to do."

Lily didn't say anything, so James asked, "What does it mean?"

"I don't know," Lily shook her head. "I mean it sounds like you want to help him, that you want to protect him. Did anything else happen?"

"No," James said.

"You're lying," Lily said, when she noticed his hesitation. "What else happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"James, tell me," she said, softly. He shook his head, "Why not?"

He sighed, "I don't understand why he has always gotten under my skin."

"What does this have to do with the dream?"

"I have no idea," James answered, no longer wanting to discuss this subject. "Lily, can we please talk about something else?"

* * *

James, Lily, and Fleamont were seated in the dining room having dinner. It had been two days since the dream and James still couldn't shake it or the feeling of ebony eyes ever fixed on him. It was un-nerving, especially since he had hardly seen him. The most he ever saw was of the few times Snape would slowly leave the bedroom. James would see him, but was nervous about approaching the other, who moved so slowly down the hall. Every once and while, Snape would stop, almost as if he were catching his breath and James would see that brief flash of pain across that face. It made him feel more regret as he thought of all the things his friends had done to him.

But it was dinner and he was with the two people he had loved most. James sat across from his father, furthest from the door, while Lily sat in the middle. His dad was in a rather jovial mood and Lily didn't quite seem as she since Snape had awoken and James didn't quite know why. It was a rather simple meal, but summer meant lighter dishes and hopefully, light spirits. And as they ate, the conversation being one that avoided anything that was unhappy, it felt almost like it had before Snape had come to stay with them. Then James caught Lily's frown as she looked to the door, which made him look. There was Snape watching them, but as soon as he realized that Lily saw him, he turned to leave. Fleamont quickly got up and followed after him.

Before going out of earshot, James and Lily heard Snape say, "I can't do this."

Eventually, Fleamont returned with Snape, who still seemed uncomfortable. A place was made for him across from Lily, who couldn't hide the worry that was in her eyes. The house-elves brought him a plate, but he hardly touched it. Snape looked up at Lily, who smiled gently at him, but he just shook his head. Fleamont spoke at last, "I'm glad you decided to come join us, Severus. I actually am quite curious what you think about some of the developments that have been made in potion-making."

Snape's eyes lit up for a moment, "I'm still reading through the books you've left me. I'm taking a few notes. They might be useful later"

"Why?" 

"I don't think it's very smart to assume that everything from one source is correct. I've found several errors in the school textbooks, particularly in the potions ones."

"That's very wise of you, Severus," Fleamont smiled, clearly pleased with how open Snape was being in this moment.

"We used to work together," Lily said. "We were a fantastic team."

Snape just looked at her and for a moment, holding his gaze before turning away. "I'm sorry, Sev."

"It doesn't matter," he said. "I wonder if it ever did."

"It matters. I just didn't know how much....until everything happened."

"I told you I was sorry and you didn't forgive me," Snape shook his head, completely ignoring both James and Fleamont. "Did I mean so little that you couldn't talk to me, Lily? It took me dying for you to even consider me important. I don't even know if I can forgive you. Do you idea how much that hurts? I could've dealt with everything else, but that....no."

"Sev, I was stupid and thought that what I said hardly mattered to you."

"You always mattered to me. Always. I wanted to be able to protect you, Lily. No matter what I did, it's just that....never mind."

"Tell me, please," Lily pled and for a moment, there was silence.

"Why?" Severus asked, voice soft. "Why were you there? At my house?"

Lily opened her mouth to speak, but closed it, so Snape continued to speak, "Do you have idea how stupid that was? He could've hurt you, Lily."

"But..."

James cut in, suddenly, "I was there, too. I could protect her."

Snape regarded him for a minute, while James tried desperately to not show how uncomfortable those piercing eyes were. The Slytherin finally spoke, "How did you expect it to play out? Like a hero, I expect. You would've been hurt, too. This isn't a fairy tale, Potter."

Then there was a momentary silence, but Snape kept his eyes on James, "Why were you there? I've been wondering that since I woke up."

James closed his eyes and he felt ashamed, not wanting to answer the question if he could help it. Snape continued, "The only person that knew where I lived was Lily."

"I told him," Lily said. "I'm sorry, Sev."

"Do you really hate me that much? Why couldn't you just leave me alone? You already took the one person that mattered to me."

"I don't hate you," James whispered. "Not anymore."

"You can keep your pity," Snape spat. "I have no use for it."

"I don't pity you," James responded, trying to not sound upset. "There's a lot that I feel about you, but pity isn't one of them."

Fleamont, who was silent through the exchange, finally spoke, "Severus, I'd like to speak to you privately in my office."

And thus dinner came to an unceremonious end.


	9. Shifting Sands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James learns a part of his father's plans and of Snape's other skills. An upcoming trial.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spend a fair amount of time on hold as part of my job, so I was able to get this chapter done more quickly than I thought. Happy Wednesday, all!

James felt like a stupid little boy as he sat there, watching Snape and his father leave. It had never occurred to him, though his father had brought it up, just how much danger he had placed both himself and Lily in. He had wanted to be a hero so badly and having Snape cut him like that was worse than any spell than he could've uttered. There is something so cruel in having your illusions destroyed by reality. She just looked at her plate, tears standing in her eyes, a moveable statue. When James moved beside her and took hold of her hand, Lily looked up, "He was far gentler than I thought he would be."

"Are you sure about that?" James asked. "That was brutal."

"I'm going to bed," Lily said, avoiding the question.

"I don't know how you can sleep after all that."

"Never said anything about sleeping. Sev always had a way of cutting you to the quick. It was just never directed at me. Well, until now, anyway."

"Lily, maybe I can join you? You know, to discuss things?"

"No, I need to be alone. Good night, James. We can talk in the morning," she said, arising and leaving him alone in the dining room. James knew one thing: he didn't want to be alone right now. Those dark eyes of Snape's showed not just anger, but something else that he could only describe as consternation, not that he could blame him. James had always a bit of a reckless streak and a childish belief in his own indestructibility, but that, along with so many other things about that wizard had been called into question. He decided that he needed to talk to his father, partly out of curiosity and partly because he felt suddenly very worried.

When James reached his father's office, he heard both Snape and his father in conversation. He heard his father say, "The truth is, Severus, I do have my own motives in helping you. But, still, I'm not going to force you to accept my help. The fact that you are so young and so powerful is quite impressive."

"I still don't understand. Impresses you?"

"It takes a high degree of skill to create spells, yet you do it. And I'm sure you possess other skills that could draw the attention of others."

"You mean Voldemort."

"Among others," Fleamont answered. "Who, without a doubt, would manipulate you for their own ends."

"Isn't that what you're doing with me now?"

"Yes, but as I said, I have my own interests. While I would like you to do as I wish, it is your decision. Severus, I would not want to be on the other end of your wand."

"What if I don't make the decision you want?"

"I trust in you to decide what is best for yourself. Just think about it," there was short pause. "Would you like some help getting to your room?"

"No," James heard the sound of the door about to open. "Mr. Potter, I don't understand why you're doing this, but thank you. Good night."

"Good night, Severus."

Snape opened the door and found James outside the door, looking as if he just arrived. Nothing was exchanged between the pair, but the dark-haired wizard was very much wary of James and kept looking back to see if he was being followed. James watched for a moment, before entering his father's office. Fleamont looked suddenly weary and took off his glasses to rub his eyes. "Dad, can I talk to you?"

"Of course," his father answered. "But I'm exhausted. That wizard makes me worry as much you do."

James smiled, "What does he have to decide?"

"It's rude to eavesdrop, James," Fleamont reprimanded. "But I suppose you'll find out one way or the other. I'm working on an apprenticeship for him, in potions of course."

"Then why is he not jumping at the chance?"

"He's in a place that he doesn't know with people he doesn't trust. Severus has every reason to be skeptical of what I'm offering. The truth is James, I don't want anyone to be able to get to him. If he can be kept away from Dumbledore and Voldemort, it would be the best thing for him."

"I heard you mention other skills that he has," James paused. "I asked Lily if he could read minds, but she wasn't sure."

"Not quite, but I do believe that he knows legilimency and probably occlumency, since the two are linked," Fleamont responded, looking thoughtfully at his son. "Why do you ask?"

"I told you that it feels like he's in my head, forcing me to....I don't know. That isn't quite what I meant. It felt like someone looking in on my thoughts."

"He's done the same to me. I don't blame him, but I think he knows that I know. He hasn't quite mastered it, though he is probably quite close."

"And it doesn't bother you?"

"It does, but considering all that he's been through, I'm being lenient. His trust is dearly bought I'm afraid."

"Does he remember what happened, dad?"

Fleamont shook his head, "No, I don't think so. Part of me hopes he doesn't. It'll be so much more painful to be left with that."

"Dad, I had a dream about him. I told Lily about it, but I still don't know what it means."

"After this James, we should go to bed, alright? I have to go the Ministry tomorrow morning."

"Ok, I wouldn't normally make a big deal about it, but it scared me. He was screaming, thinking that someone was trying to kill him. I thought that if I left him alone, something worse would happen, so I stayed. I wanted to protect him."

Fleamont looked slightly amused, "Seems like someone has had a change of heart. You went from hating him to wanting to protect him. Next thing we know, you'll be saying that you're in love with him."

"Dad," James protested. "I'm serious."

"You see him in a different light, James, and it's terrifying. Not just because of what you know happened to him, but because what you used to think wasn't quite correct. I wish that it didn't take something like this to make you see that maybe you were wrong."

"I want him to forgive me," James murmured. "But if he can't forgive Lily...."

"James, look at me," Fleamont said. "I need you to understand something. Severus has been hurt by those that should've loved him. He's not going to find it easy to forgive because of the expectation that he'll be hurt again. He may never forgive you or Lily, but you still try to be as friendly to him as you can."

"How do you know this?"

"Your mother," Fleamont became wistful. "She made me want to be better, to not be so quick to judge. I try to imagine what she would do."

* * *

James saw his dad run into the living room, completely out of breath. "Where is Severus?"

"He's not in his room?" Lily asked, standing up. James looked up from the book that he had been reading.

"I saw him for a moment in the upstairs hallway," James answered. "But that was about an hour ago, I think."

"No, he's not in his room," Fleamont was absolutely worried. "I looked. We need to find him."

"Dad, what's going on?"

"Is he in trouble?" Lily asked, a look of panic on her face.

"I just need to know where he is," Fleamont stated. "The ministry...."

"I heard you calling my name," Severus said, approaching the older wizard. "I was in the library doing research. Did I do something wrong?"

"They haven't gotten to you yet," Fleamont sighed, running to him and give him a hug. "Thank Godric!"

"They?" Snape was confused, as well as everyone else. "Monty, what's going on?"

"There is something I need to tell you, all of you," he responded. "Severus, come sit. Please."

Snape, slowly and reluctantly came into the living room and sat in the chair nearest Lily. James watched as his father, who almost seemed afraid to look away from the other wizard, that he would suddenly disappear if he did so. Meanwhile, Snape tried to put on his armor of indifference, though there was still the touch of concern that lingered in his eyes. James took hold of Lily's hand in an attempt to allay her worry. Snape asked again, "What's going on?"

"There's going to be a trial, Severus."

"A trial?" Then something must have snapped, because those dark eyes betrayed a fearful understanding, "The ministry....they think I murdered them."

"Severus...."

"But that doesn't make any sense," Snape responded. "I don't remember anything. How can they do this?"

"I'm going to do all I can to make sure you come back to us," Fleamont said. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Everyone turned towards the entry to the living room, wondering who was at the door. 

They heard some voice say, "Mr. Potter, please come to the door."

Lily asked, 'Where are they going to take him?"

James, seeing the look on his father's face, "No, they can't do that. He can stay here. Dad, tell them he can stay here. There's no reason why he can't stay with us. Don't let them take him to Azkaban."

"Lily, please let them in," Fleamont said, trying to keep his calm.

"Dad, no....come on," James sputtered. "This isn't fair. Severus deserves more than that."

James glanced at Snape, who looked at him in complete shock. He probably wasn't expecting to have him stand up for him, not after having such a terrible relationship with one another since the moment they met. Snape looked back to Fleamont, his voice betraying how hurt he was, "You promised to help me. Please don't let them take me there. Please."

Lily returned with three Aurors behind her. She went immediately to Snape, trying to hold back her tears, but otherwise unsure as to what she should do. James, who stood at the window, was fuming, anger clear on his face as he watched them. Fleamont had knelt before Snape, "And I will help you. You will not be there long, I swear it."

Snape shook his head, not believing a word. One of the Aurors, probably the one who announced their arrival, said, "Monty, we have to take him in."

"Eric," Fleamont turned to look at the speaker. "Please, let him stay here, with us. He's still a child."

"Would that I could. The ministry thinks he's dangerous, Monty. And that he's a possible flight risk. I don't have a choice."

"He's been the perfect guest. I can vouch for him, we all can."

"We're just doing our job,' Eric said, eyes fixed suspiciously upon Severus, who was still seated. His expression was unreadable. "I'm sorry."

"Then at least let us say goodbye," James said and seeing the look of annoyance upon the other Aurors's faces. "Two minutes, please."

Eric sighed, somewhat annoyed, before giving them some privacy, "Fine. Two minutes, Fleamont. That's all we can allow."

Lily through her arms around Severus's neck, kissing his cheek, while tears still streamed from her eyes. James left his spot near the window and gave Snape a hug, but as he pulled away, he saw a flash of sorrow in those eyes before that, too, vanished. Fleamont squeezed Snape's hand, which he seemed to not notice, saying "We will come for you, Severus." Then, as if there had been some clarion call, he arose from his seat, composed himself and walked to where the Aurors were waiting for him. Before he disappeared from view, Snape gazed once more upon them, then disappeared without a word.

As soon as Snape and the Aurors were gone, Fleamont fell into the seat that Snape had occupied, his hands clutching his head. James and Lily stayed with him, both hugging the hurt man as he wept, adding their own tears to his own. When at last, he was able to pull himself together, Fleamont smiled sadly at the teens that had remained with him. When he spoke, he couldn't hide the crack in voice, "I need to speak with Dumbledore. James, Lily.....I need you both to prepare statements about Severus, just in case, we need them. Can you do that? " 

"Yes, dad," James answered, while Lily could only nod, still at a loss as to what just happened.

Fleamont left to his office, while the pair went to their respective bedrooms. James started to cry again at how cruel the whole situation was, sitting at his desk, trying to wrap his head around what just happened. It had seemed like something out of a nightmare and how Snape could be so composed, though those dark pools had momentarily trembled. And then to see his father fall apart like that, it was unforgivable. And as he wrote his missive, James promised himself that if he had to, he would break into Azkaban to get Snape out. That wizard deserved more than to languish in captivity, that much was clear.

But what he wanted to know most was why all this was happening in the first place. James couldn't shake the feeling that something, or someone wanted to isolate Snape and keep him away from the positive influence he knew his father to be. It was something Fleamont had said about how powerful his classmate was, about the attention that it would draw from others. He, at first, thought of Voldemort, but that didn't make any sense. Snape was a Slytherin and it would've been easier to attract him with those that he already knew in that house. As far as he knew, there weren't any other wizards that had the sort of pull that wizard had. What if there was something else that made Snape important and somehow dangerous, as well?


	10. These Small Idylls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shaken faith, but Sev returns. James does something special for him. A break-up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a bit of a writing spree, apparently. This chapter is not near as dark as some others (except for the beginning), but it is important, nonetheless. Thanks again for reading. I will have the next chapter out soon. Enjoy!

Three days. Three tortuous days, until Severus had been brought back to the Potters. Those bitter days spent worrying about him and what exactly his father was going to do. James didn't understand why his father didn't do more or why Severus didn't use his own magic. He remembered when he eventually came to and the vague sense of fear that had enveloped them all. They had all been surprised and as James reflected on it, he understood that his father was not only shocked at how callously Severus was taken away, but how eager the ministry was to place the blame on the youth. They all were, actually. It was a combination of factors that led to his return, but James still felt uneasy about it. Something didn't quite seem right about why they took Severus only to let him go again.

After getting over his initial anger and frustration, James talked with his father, who seemed to be running on autopilot. It was then that he was shown the paperwork that allowed them to take Severus away. James finally understood that his father felt betrayed by the very agency that he gave so much time and energy to. It may have been paranoia or maybe it was the Marauder in him, but he felt that the reason for any of this was to make it clear to Severus that he was alone in that darkness. James knew that wasn't the case at all and he found himself wishing for the very wizard he had, until recently, despised. Whether Severus knew it or not, Fleamont deeply cared for him, anyone could see that, and it was painful for James to see how guilty he felt about the entire affair.

But rather than waiting for the Aurors to return Severus to them, and harboring a general mistrust of the ministry itself, Fleamont and James went to Azkaban themselves to retrieve him. The very place terrified him and there was such a feeling of despair, that he couldn't help but clutch his father's arm, an irrational part of himself thinking that he was going to be abandoned. Everything here seemed nightmarish, where hope was not just lost, but beyond the call of memory. The very rocks were dull blades that caused little pain, yet somehow a shallow cut would fester into something ruinous. The wind was in a perpetual state of grief and for a long time afterwards, he could still hear its mournful moans. The prison itself, especially as they neared the entrance, was a bitter gash against the morose sky. And as they passed through that gaping maw, James couldn't help but look back, fearing that they would somehow be swallowed whole.

The wizard they met with just looked unsavory, almost like he had been carved from the very prison walls. James never remembered his name and somehow, that made sense, because who would ever want to remember anything associated with such a dismal place? It somehow seemed to James that this would be the sort of man that relished the misery of these unhappy tenants. After speaking with Fleamont for a moment, the wizard left to retireve the unfortunate youth. It had taken a bit of time before Severus made his appearance and when he did, the wizard obviously annoyed at how slowly the Slytherin was moving. Before that baleful presence departed, he seemed to savor the words, "What a fine addition you will make."

Severus trying to hide his terror, had momentarily let his façade collapse before desperately trying to reconstruct it again. James wanted to deck the wizard for daring to say anything like that, but his father had a firm grip on his arm. So the only thing he could do was stew in his anger, wanting to just beat the man to a pulp for saying something so cruel. It took him a moment to realize that Fleamont was also doing it to stop himself from cursing the man on the spot. Severus, who seemed lost in this tomb-like place, finally looked at Fleamont, a look of recognition and shock in those dark eyes. At last the voice that James had missed so much, so soft, so sad, had spoken, "You came. They told me you'd forget me."

"How could we forget you, Severus?" Fleamont responded, not even bothering to hide the tears in his eyes, as he wrapped him in a hug, "Do you know how much we missed you? I'm so sorry I didn't protect you better."

The softness of those midnight eyes betrayed how touched Severus had been to be even thought of at all. And James couldn't help but feel, that even here in such a dismal place, that a seed of hope could still be planted. It just sometimes had to be watered with tears before it could germinate. His father eventually pulled away and looking into that pale face, frowned, "What is it?"

"A part of me thinks that this isn't real. That I'm going to wake and...."

"You're coming with us. I'm not going to fail you again. Do you understand?"

Severus nodded, though he clearly was skeptical. His father sighed and the stern expression he had worn, had been cast aside. The three of them eventually left, apparating as soon they could to just outside the confines of Potter Manor. It felt like they could breathe again once they landed on that verdant field. James had taken for granted how much he loved this place and it meant so much more now after having encountered such darkness. But the look on Severus's face was unforgettable, so much so, that he couldn't help but take that pale hand in his own. Seeing that faint smile as the sun danced upon that upturned face had lightened his spirits even more. When Severus opened his eyes to see James staring at him, he frowned and turned away to look at Fleamont. Feeling like he had been caught, James told them that he was going to go on ahead, and ran to find Lily.

* * *

James could tell that he was still nervous and each noise, especially the slamming of a door, made him anxious, probably expecting that hell was not far behind. It was so painful to watch when his expression would change for the briefest of moments. Severus seemed more introverted than he had before and if he was asked what happened while he was there, he'd only shake his head. James supposed that those would be questions for another day, or at least when the memory of it wasn't quite so real. He still woke up sometimes with a nightmare of that place, so he didn't want to imagine what Severus had felt.. Of course, James knew that he was not as exuberant as himself, but there seemed to be something that had been dimmed, which was understandable, considering what happened. It was difficult enough before to get him to say anything, and now, it was even worse. Even with Lily, he hardly said anything, but she relished just having him sit with her.

Then, he had an idea of doing something special for him. Fleamont, though, he didn't know Eileen Snape, nee Prince, had, as a financial contributor to Hogwarts, access to photos and the like. Once he heard what his son was intending to do, he found the appropriate yearbook and gave it to him. James was shocked to discover that she was so young when she was murdered, around thirty-three or thirty-four years old. That fact made all the more tragic as he gazed at the picture of the ill-fated witch, who was obviously younger in the photograph. It then occurred to him that she had been pregnant and given birth to her son whilst still a student. How on earth did she manage to do that?, he wondered. She wasn't a particularly pretty witch, but those dark, unfathomable eyes were almost as arresting as her son's. They were the sort of eyes that kept secrets, but never shared them. 

James spent the next few days working on perfecting his gift for the Slytherin, becoming increasingly anxious as he neared completion. Lily had no idea what he was working on and he wanted to keep it that way, telling himself that he didn't want her input if he hated it. Fleamont, when he looked at his creation was impressed, not only with his talent, but with how thoughtful his son was. Having his dad appreciate his work, helped make him feel a little less nervous when he thought about showing it to Severus. So the next day, around mid-morning, James knocked on Severus's bedroom door and barged in, gift in tow.

"Potter! What are you doing in here? This is my room!"

"And this is my house!" James mentally slapped himself as soon as the words slipped out. Old habits were definitely harder to break than he was expecting, "I'm sorry. Can we start over?"

"What? I didn't hear you," Severus responded. "I missed that bit....what was it?"

"You're so infuriating," James huffed, remembering why hexing him was so easy. "I'm sorry!"

"And why couldn't you wait until I let you in?"

"Because you'd make me wait until hell froze over before that happened."

Severus sighed, "What was so important that you had to barge into my room?"

"I wanted to talk to you for a minute," James smiled suddenly. "This has to be the longest we've talked without hexing each other."

"Well, I guess anything is possible," Severus was becoming frustrated. "Potter, what do you want?"

"I have something for you," James indicating the somewhat large slim package he was carrying. "It's not cursed or anything, if that's what you're thinking. It's just that it can't be easy....and, um....here, I hope you like it."

Severus gingerly took the slim package and looked at James suspiciously. He set it on the bed and carefully opened it, showing confusion why there was a large sheet of paper in it, though that didn't last long. As soon as Severus saw the drawing, he could only stare at it. Those eyes that had so much hardness when James came into that room, became like soft lights in the rain. The most powerful spell that Severus ever cast was that sudden change and he couldn't help but be seduced and disarmed by it. It was the first time that James ever felt that he left the other wizard speechless, without a curse or hex, that is. Severus finally looked up from the drawing, still shocked, "Where did you get this?"

"I drew it. For you," James said, suddenly feeling very shy. "I mean, I know that you don't have any pictures of your mom here, so I....."

"I don't know what to say," Severus looked at the drawing again, trying to regain his composure.

"Do you like it?"

Severus tilted his head up, then looked over to him, "Like doesn't even begin to cover it....I....I thought....you hate me....yet you do this."

James walked over to him and before Snape could say anything in protest, wrapped him in a hug. "You mean so much to me, us, Severus. I wanted to do something special for you, to tell you sorry, for....well, everything. I have no idea how you...you're so strong."

"Thank you, Potter. Thank you."

"One of these days, I'm going to get you to say my first name," James chuckled softly.

"The day can only hold so many miracles," Severus chided. "And besides, I did say thank you."

* * *

If James were being honest, he wanted to keep Severus wrapped up in his arms for much longer than he had. Lily knew that something had happened between the two as soon as she set eyes on him, though she said nothing of it. She just enjoyed the fact that, at least for a moment, there seemed to be a sort of truce. James knew that, but of course she had also caught him staring at Severus, in a completely different way than he had before. It was why he wasn't shocked when she told him, "We need to talk."

Of course, Severus would come between them-again, but this time, he didn't fully understand why. James had been making an effort to be friendlier towards him, which was made easier by the fact that he and Lily seemed to have nothing else to talk about. It had felt that they were talking across rather than to each other, so their conversations began to feel rather forced. Severus seemed to notice that their conversations were stilted, but knowing, with a glance at Lily, that she didn't want to talk about it. Once they were certain that they were alone, James remained silent, while she studied him for a moment.

"Alright," she began at last. "You don't seem all that surprised that I want to talk."

"To be honest, it just looks like you've been wanting to for days."

"Why didn't you tell me what you did for Sev?" Lily asked, clearly hurt. "Your dad told me. He was shocked that you never said anything to me."

"I thought you would tell him," James lied. "Didn't want that to happen."

"Why are you lying to me?"

"I didn't want him to think that you were putting me up to it," James answered. "I wanted something that I could share with him...I don't know."

"I think you do," Lily said, suddenly looking at the ground. "I see how you've been looking at him."

"Really? I'm trying to be nice," James said, almost like he was trying to convince himself. "I'm nice to him and you're upset. I'm mean and it's the same story. What do you want?"

"There's a huge difference between being nice and how you've been behaving," Lily said. "Did you think that I wouldn't notice the looks you've given him? Add to that you can't seem to stay away from him. James, it seems to be your mission to get as close to him without him even noticing."

"I'm just worried about him." James sighed, "I know what it's like to have your world changed overnight. He shouldn't have had to go through it."

"It's more than that," Lily stated. 

"It's really not. My dad likes him a good deal. And that makes me at least want to try to be better."

"Who are you trying to convince? Me or you?"

"Lily, this is ridiculous. I'm in a relationship with you. Why would I want to mess that up?"

She looked at him silently and he frowned, "What is it?"

"I don't think you really want me," Lily answered. "Honestly, James. It was always his attention that you had to have, not mine. And him being here has made it clear to me that you....."

"That I what?" James threw up his hands, "If we're breaking up, I at least would like to know the reason."

"The reason?" Lily said, "You fancy someone else. That's the reason. It's funny. I'm not even that upset about it."

"No, I don't. I want you. Always have."

"You say that, but everything else says the opposite."

"Lily, please," James took her hand.

"No, James. It's over," she smiled sadly. 

He dropped her hand and sighed, "Can we at least still be friends?"

"Yes, but if you hurt him...."

"I don't fancy him," James said defensively, leaving her alone in the living room so he could grouse alone. He went to Fleamont's office, hoping that his dad wouldn't be there. For some reason, it always helped him calm down when his mood threatened to overwhelm. All the other rooms, in s seemed haunted in some small way by his mother, but he wanted the presence of his father, without him being present. But as he opened the door, he saw that his dad was there, alone. Irritated at this minor inconvenience, he was about to shut the door, but his dad spoke first, "I can tell you're upset. I can spare a few minutes."

"It's nothing. I just wanted to be alone."

Fleamont set his pen down, "Close the door and tell me what happened."

"Dad, it's nothing."

"Humor me," Fleamont said. "Now come in and have a seat."

"Fine," James came in and sat down across from his father. "Lily and I broke up."

"Did she tell you why?"

"Yeah. I don't want to talk about it."

"It has to do with Severus, doesn't it?"

"Not you, too," James responded almost instantly. "Not everything is about him."

"You're absolutely right. It's not, but do you know that?"

"Dad, please."

"Since he's woken up, you've been practically obsessed with him."

"I have not. That's not true."

"The drawing you did for him. Did you ever do anything like that for anyone else? You didn't even tell Lily you did it."

James looked down at his hands, already knowing the answer to that. Fleamont continued to speak, "James, everyone sees how you act when he enters the room. How did you expect her to feel?"

"It's not true. I'm trying to be nice to him."

"And I'm glad you are, because he needs kindness," Fleamont said. "You told me once that he gets in your head. Are you certain that you're not putting him there yourself?"

James did not quite know how to answer that question, so he said nothing. Fleamont smiled sympathetically at his son, "This is an opportunity to figure out exactly what is going on inside yourself, James. Take it. We don't often get them. I need to get back to work. I've given Severus time to recover, but I'm afraid that I can't spare anymore. His very life hangs in the balance and we need to prepare him for what's to come."

"Dad, do you think he....?"

Fleamont sighed, "I don't know what to think anymore, but someone wants him isolated, alone, vulnerable."

"And Dumbledore? You said you talked to him, right?"

"I did. He has his own means and ends, James, but his word holds sway. I'm still very much angry with him, but if he can help us protect Severus, then I will welcome it. Now, off with you. Think about what I said. Support Lily and Severus as well as you can. This trial is going to be tough."


	11. Revelations of Sun and Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James finally admits what he feels and tells Severus. Severus begins to remember what happened, but in fragments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finishing this up while I'm waiting for my plane in Chicago. This chapter took longer than I was expecting, because of work, but also because I just wasn't quite satisfied. It might be a week (sooner, if it can be helped), before I able to have another chapter out. No matter where you are, please be safe and take care of each other. Enjoy!

Despite what his father had told him, James tried to not think about what he felt at all and maintained that attitude for a few more days. There was no denying that he had felt some relief at Lily's initiative in breaking up with him and it didn't pain him as much he expected it to. But he could tell by the way that Severus was looking at him that he, too, knew that the relationship had reached its end. James doubted that Lily had told him why, but there was no way to be certain and he wasn't really wanting to have that conversation, at least right now. He knew that it was childish, but the idea of telling the truth was terrifying, so he avoided Severus as much as he could over the next few days.

And yet, the more that James tried to avoid it, the more he felt assaulted by thoughts of the other wizard. He would recall the softness of his hands and the way the wind had played with those ebony locks when they had returned to the manor, random moments throughout the day. But the one that tormented him the most was when he had impulsively wrapped Severus in his arms. James could still feel the thrumming of that heart and how he had breathed in his heady scent, while simultaneously reminding himself that it was nothing more than wanting to see the troubled wizard happy. These visions, he was certain, would pass and he would show everyone that they had been wrong about who he actually wanted.

Of course, his refusal to think about it interfered with being a friend to both Lily and Severus. She made it perfectly clear that if anyone deserved a reason to know why they had broken up, it was her best friend. When he asked her why she didn't tell him, she told James that he was the one in love with Sev, so he should be the one to do it. He, to Lily's annoyance, flatly denied that he harbored such feelings, despite drinking in the sight of the wizard when he joined them in the living room about ten minutes later to read. Severus sensed that there was something wrong, but said nothing about it, though he kept looking at Lily, who was glaring daggers at James. Both of them understood that he problem had his theories about why they broke up in the first place, but probably had never considered himself as the reason. Every glance that Severus happened to catch from James, he viewed suspiciously and his displeasure was palpable.

"What is going with the two of you?" Severus asked, "I know you broke up, but this is ridiculous. I'm not an expert on friendship, but even I can see something's going on."

"It's the reason we broke up, Sev," Lily responded. 

"If it didn't hurt that much, why does the reason it happened do?"

"Because he's in love with someone else," she gave Severus a meaningful glance.

His reaction was immediate, furiously looking over to James, "How on earth can there be someone else, Potter? You've never let her be."

"That's not true. I just love Lily....as a friend," James said, looking away from Severus. "It's just that so much has been going on and being with anyone right now...."

"I don't believe you, Potter. You spent years just trying to get her attention, and all of sudden, there's stuff going on? Who is it, then? You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter."

Severus left, slamming the door behind him. James winced at the sound and looked over at Lily, who looked just as furious as her best friend had, "You are such a coward."

"As if telling him what you said would have made it any easier if it were true."

"Were true? You couldn't be more infatuated if you tried!"

"I'm not in love with him. How many times do I have to tell you?"

"Are you serious right now? For Godric's sake," Lily scoffed. "You either avoid him or moon over him. Just admit it already. I'm just surprised he hasn't said anything about it."

"I do not." James answered defiantly. "I'm just trying to be friendly."

"Whatever you have to tell yourself."

"I'm leaving," James stated. 

* * *

It had been a silent trip to Severus's room and James hadn't the faintest idea why he was even bothering to talk to him. He was clearly angry, not that it took all that much, James mused. But since the drawing, there seemed to be a sort of opening, where they would converse with one another. But of course, Severus would hit the ceiling with Lily saying something like that and think he was lying. The reasons for Severus to distrust him outnumbered those that were to the contrary, but it bothered James that he would still give Lily a pass on just about everything. He knocked on the door and announced that he was coming in. The book that Severus was reading must have been an interesting one, because he barely acknowledged James at all.

"Severus," James said softly, though the other wizard barely registered him being there. So he said his name again, "Severus, I....I have to tell you something....can I...it's not a big deal or....I don't know."

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" The Slytherin gave an annoyed sigh, "Apparently, whatever it is, means something to you. So make it quick."

"When Lily said....I mean I wish she hadn't...."

"Is it really that difficult to tell me whatever it is you want to say?"

"To you, yes," James turned away when Severus looked at him. "You're not exactly like anyone else that I've met."

"I don't know if that was supposed to be a compliment or an insult, try again."

"See? This is....," James threw up his hands. "You frustrate me..."

"I could've already told you that."

"Look....Lily was partly right about what she said," James said, pausing momentarily before continuing. "There is someone else."

"And I told you both that it didn't matter."

"But it does."

"Why should it?"

"Because she thinks that I fancy you. More than fancy, actually."

Severus's eyes widened in surprise, "What? No, that's impossible!"

"Is it?"

Severus regarded him suspiciously, "And you're telling me this now? Why should I believe you?"

"Because I think....I...she might be right," James whispered. 

"Get out," Severus answered, both exhausted and angry. "Who put you up to this? Black? Wouldn't put it past him, actually."

"What?" James frowned, "No, I haven't talked to any of them. Severus, please."

"I don't need this right now," Severus shook his head. "Your lies--why would you lie like that?"

"It's not a lie. You know as well as I do, that Lily would never do that to you, not about this."

"Leave me alone, Potter."

"Then tell me how I get you out of my head."

"What?"

"I can't stop thinking about you," James responded.

"Sounds like a personal problem to me. Now get out."

Severus looked mutinous and knowing how powerful he was, James believed that it would be prudent to leave. As he closed the bedroom door, he pressed his head against it, trying to make sense of what happened. Part of it had seemed that it had come from someone else, but as soon as he looked at Severus, he knew without a shadow of a doubt, that the one he wanted was out of reach. James knew, as soon as he looked into those seductive eyes, that Lily was right-he was ensnared by the other. And what made it even worse was the fact that he had destroyed it long before this moment, when he had chosen to be cruel, rather than kind. Severus, he knew, would eventually come to forgive Lily, but he had little hope of that happening to him. 

* * *

A few days later, James was sitting in his father's office, watching the elder Potter work. His presence, of course, was conditional. Admittedly, he wasn't all that interested in the project that Fleamont was working on, though he knew that at present, it had nothing to do with Severus's upcoming trial. After his argument with Lily and the conversation with Severus, he had decided to avoid both of them, hoping that maybe the whole situation would just resolve itself. James, however, was too much of a social creature to complete do without company, so he opted to spend more time with Fleamont. Even still, James could help but think of Severus, whose rejection was more painful than he cared to admit. Fleamont, clearly did not like seeing his son mope, but was glad that he had finally taken the initiative to say something, 

And so this became routine and even though little had been said, it was just nice to spend time with him. Fleamont looked up from his paperwork, "James, you can't avoid them forever."

"I'm only avoiding them for as long as possible," James quipped. "Can't I just spend time with you?"

"I don't mind you spending time with me, not at all. I'd much prefer that you didn't use me as an excuse to avoid uncomfortable conversations."

"Dad...."

"I'm glad you told Severus what you felt, but ignoring the consequences is not going to help."

"He rejected me, dad. Didn't believe a word I said."

"You tormented him for years. Did you honestly expect him to just expect him to just fall into your arms?" Looking at his son, Fleamont knew that was exactly what he was expecting. Sighing, and with a slight shake of his head, "James, I love you. And I mean this in the most....forget it. You're an idiot."

"Dad....that's not fair!"

"The fact you even thought that was a remote possibility," Fleamont was slightly amused. "Give him a reason to believe you, then. He's not unreasonable and--"

Fleamont was unable to finish as the door to the office swung open, revealing a very distraught Severus. He looked panicked as if there were monsters hiding in the very shadows, ready to lunge at him. James could only stare in shock as the other wizard came in, barely acknowledging that James was even there. Still in shock, but in a much better position than his son was in, Fleamont summoned a house-elf to retrieve tea and a calming draught, but guiding the young man to sit in the seat next to James. After a moment, hoping that he would calm down, he ventured a tentative, "Severus?"

"I, I.....it's my fault she's gone," Severus hunched forward, head in his hands, visibly shaking.

"What.....what are you talking about?" Fleamont, who stood beside Severus's chair, placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. He immediately flinched, almost knocking over some of the knickknacks that were on the desk.

"I killed her," Severus said, voice cracking. "I couldn't.....she....I....you should've left me in Azkaban."

Fleamont and James both stared at Severus, completely at a loss.

"I don't want to remember....please....make it go away. Please," Severus cast desperate eyes upon Fleamont. "It's all I can see. It won't go away. Help me."

"Severus," Fleamont said, trying to remain calm and giving some calming draught to the young man. "Tell me...it might help. What do you remember?"

"It's all so fuzzy.....I can't make it clear, not all of it...but the blood, so much blood."

"Then do the best you can," Fleamont responded. "Tell me what happened."

"The door....it was open when I got home. She-she never leaves it open. But I knew....I knew something was wrong. I thought it may have been one of dad's rages, I don't know. I would've gone upstairs, but I....I....the blood, so much blood. The sofa....she was on the sofa. I remember going to her....I couldn't help it. I tried to stop it...the blood, but it wasn't working.....there was a dark spell she used on me when he'd hurt me....I tried to focus, but I....I couldn't. I couldn't focus....I couldn't save her....I tried, but I...I...I killed her."

"Severus, you were tr--"

"Someone was behind me....dad. He said magic...my magic killed her.....that he was being merciful by not...by not....I was trying to run....sharp pain, I couldn't....stairs, I tried to get to my room," Fleamont gave him another cup of the draught, but Severus was trembling so much that he dropped it. He sounded so much like a child, it was heartbreaking, "I'm sorry....please don't...don't hurt me."

His whole demeanor changed suddenly and the fearful young man that had rushed into the office became eerily silent, staring down at his hands. Severus didn't even react when Fleamont reoriented the chair he was in, so that he could kneel in front of the young man. James just watched the entire scene play out, wanting to do so much, yet unsure as to what he should actually do. Suddenly, Severus raised his eyes to Fleamont, "Why? Why is this happening to me?"

"I don't know, but we are going to find out," Fleamont answered. Severus looked away from him, eyes set upon the door of the office. "Severus, look at me."

Severus drew his gaze back to the elder Potter, who took hold of his hands and continued to speak, "You are not a murderer or a monster. You are an intelligent, thoughtful, and talented wizard dealing with a situation, that, if there were any justice in the world, would not be yours to bear. I will not say I understand, because that would be a lie, and that would be cruel. but you are not alone. I am going to stand with you, because I care, not for what you can do. But for you, yourself. I made a promise to help you and intend on keeping it, whether you believe it or not."

James could tell that Severus was struggling between wanting to believe his father's words, yet expecting that there was some falsehood hidden in them. The wizard was clearly exhausted and almost looked like he was going to collapse in his seat. James wondered how long he had been holding onto this, punishing himself like this. It pained his heart to even think that this wizard could bear all this, while he would complain about all those trite inconveniences. Fleamont pulled Severus into a hug even thought the other was little more than a rag doll, arms hanging at his sides. James felt tears and let them fall, his heart so heavy that he could hardly move. 

"Severus," Fleamont spoke softly. "You need to sleep, We will get you some Dreamless Sleep. James, can you help get him to his room, please?"

"Of course," James answered, finally coming to himself. "But--"

"Please, James," he caught his father's eyes. The look in them was of heartache and torment and James understood that his father, however good a man he is, would not always be able to save those that he had grown to care about. Fleamont did not want to cry in front of Severus, which confused his son, since he had always been open with his emotions.

James nodded, trying to come back to himself. Fleamont thanked him softly. And just before he closed the door behind them, James caught his father sink into his desk chair, utterly despondent, tears refusing to fall. Heartbroken, the sort of look he hadn't seen on that beloved face since his mother died.


	12. Eye of the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preparation for the trials to come. Some mysteries solved, while others remain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lot of things going on in life. Thank you all for being so patient. Usual apologies. I hope you enjoy and hopefully, will have another chapter up soon.

"Please don't tell Lily," Severus requested again after his memory had been extracted. It had taken a great deal of convincing by Fleamont before he at last relented. James watched the scene, confused as to why he was even there. His father had told him that Severus had wanted him to be there but offered no explanation as to why. James supposed that since he was there when part of his memories of that awful day returned to him, somehow it just made sense. A part of him had hoped that maybe Severus believed that in the sincerity of his affections, but it was difficult to tell. The only person that he seemed to open up to was his father and he felt a twinge of jealousy at the thought. 

"Promise me," Severus had demanded. "Please."

"She's going to find out, Severus," Fleamont turned his gaze away from the silvery, tear-like shape of the memory to the teen.

"I know, but the less she knows....I want to spare her the worst of it, the worst of me."

Being an only child and loved by both parents, James still struggled with what he had seen in the memory. It was clear that Eileen's throat had already been cut before Severus had reached her, probably before he had even come home. But seeing the panic as he tried to save her, both with and without magic, was utterly heartbreaking. Everything that happened afterwards was the chaos of violence and hatred, with Tobias inflicting that malicious blow on his own son. Finally, there was that last violent pulsation of magic from Severus himself, who collapsed at the top of the stairs. How he had even gotten there, James had no idea. When he pulled himself out of the pensieve, he threw up, feeling an unfamiliar mix of shame and anger. His father said nothing as he cleaned the sick away. They both knew that one thing was clear: Severus had not murdered his mother, despite believing that he had. 

That left only one question: Who killed Tobias Snape? James remembered asking that once he was able to compose himself and it was then that he realized that his father had already arrived at the unhappy conclusion. Severus stared straight ahead with unseeing eyes out the window of Fleamont's office, in his own private purgatory. James frowned and before he could ask how, his father had knelt in front of Severus, "It was self-defense. You have to know that. And your magic....you don't have complete control over it yet. Severus, look at me."

"I've thought so much about killing him," Severus responded, refusing to turn his gaze from the window, almost as if he were speaking to someone else. "Strange to not feel anything. I always thought that I'd feel happy, but I don't. Am I supposed to feel this....empty?"

"Severus....please."

"How can you care for me when I've done something so...?" The troubled wizard at last looked at Fleamont, almost as if he were afraid, "I never really was innocent. I deluded myself into believing that."

"You're innocence was stolen from you. There is nothing more cruel than that," Fleamont spoke gently, reassuring Severus that in spite of everything, that he would remain. "I told you that you weren't a monster or a murderer. You're not any of those things, Severus. Even now. How could you be when it was forced on you."

"Aren't you afraid that I'll hurt you....and him?" Severus briefly looked at James, before returning his gaze back to the elder Potter.

James saw his father visibily sigh and look levelly at Severus, "I feared you when you first awoke and part of me still does. But you have had plenty of opportunities to hurt us, yet you haven't. I have to wonder why that is."

"You defend me. I don't understand it," he whispered. "I hear the words, know what they mean....but it..."

Severus, for one moment, looked like he was about to cry. Instead, James and his father could only watch as started to bury the sorrow underneath the coldness of indifference. Fleamont, who had taken his hands, told him that it was permissible to cry, that no one would think him weak for doing so. Severus shook his head, "Tears never stopped him from hurting me and they haven't brought her back. There's little point to them. I'm never going to cry again."

There was something utterly terrifying in that proclamation as the myriad of emotions on that pale face had been replaced with coldness and indifference. Severus sighed deeply and straightened himself up in his seat, his face expressionless. James watched as his father arose, shaking his head softly, unsure of what he should do. That moment of vulnerability had passed and both Potters knew that this damaged young man had spoken his final farewell to the wisps of innocence that had, until then, lingered. James felt silent tears course down his face and he hoped that Severus would not see him mourning that loss. 

* * *

"I'm sorry, Fleamont," Albus Dumbledore stated, casting a glance at Severus. "He has to take the stand."

"Albus, we can extract the memory. You know well enough that he won't be treated fairly. I will not have treated like a curiosity."

"We were lucky enough to have a relatively private trial. If I could spare him completely, you know I would."

"Or to simply make a show of his grief," Fleamont responded, frowning.

"They will not be content with a memory, Fleamont. They will think that he tampered with it."

"But professor, it's not fair," James blurted out. "He has no reason to lie about it."

"Are you certain, Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked, clearly not expecting an outburst. "They know of his hatred for his father. That would be motive enough."

"It could've all been avoided, if you took him out of that environment. Or do you only protect the students you like?"

"Fleamont, I don't want to have this discussion in front of them,". Dumbledore said softly, indicating James, Severus, and Lily.

"I, for one, think that Severus deserves to know why you didn't defend him before."

"We need to focus on how best to protect him on the day of the trial, not pore over the past."

"How can he trust you when you abandoned him? What assurance do we have that you won't do so again?"

"I've made plenty of mistakes. Surely you can understand that," Dumbledore pulled Fleamont aside. James watched as the adults left, but it was clear that whatever had been whispered was making his father absolutely livid. The dark-haired wizard, who had been obstinately silent, finally spoke, "He should just let me go."

"But Sev…"

"No, Lily....he should," Severus's soft voice interrupted her. "I'm a lost cause. I've been guilty since the day I was born."

"We don't believe that. None of us do,' James said, drawing Severus's attention. At the suspicious look in those eyes, "My father believes you. He wouldn't protect you or do anything if he didn't. That's enough for me."

James had wanted so much to go to him, to wrap Severus in his arms, like he had a lifetime ago when he gave him his present. His emotions were still a mess and he was so consumed by his thoughts that he didn't see Lily leave. He heard them talking to each other, but the only voice he registered was that soothing baritone that wove its seductive threads around his heart. James suddenly realized that he was alone with Severus, something that did not happen very often. The other wizard had looked at him warily, wondering at his mysterious silence. Severus finally asked, "Why?"

"I could ask you that, too," James shrugged. "Why did you let me....see that?"

"You'd talk to Lily," he answered simply. "I assumed that you would do what you would in school."

"And if I broke that promise and my father....how very Slytherin of you," James responded. "I should have known that."

"Yes, you should've," Severus shifted nervously. "Why are you....on my side? You hate me."

"Yeah, I used to, but it's different now. I don't feel pity, either," James answered, feeling and knowing that he was blushing. "I meant what I said, earlier. You...I just--"

"You can stop playing whatever game this is," Severus interrupted. "I'm not falling for anymore of your pranks."

"What can I do to show you I'm being honest?"

"I told you--I'm not buying it, so stop," Severus demanded. 

James knew that there was only one way that the stubborn wizard was going to believe him and he impulsively approached him. Severus was anxious, though he tried to hide it and hold his ground, not allowing himself to be intimidated. James smiled softly at the frowning Severus, who had backed himself slowly against the wall. He warned his counterpart to keep away from him, promising some retribution. But all James could focus on were the sound of that voice and what it would be like to--. At last, he got his wish and his lips caught Severus's, whose own tasted so sweet that he felt his whole body warm at the contact. He moaned, or was it Severus, he wondered, as he threw himself into the moment. Eventually, he hands begun to explore the mystery that was this wizard, while the other began his own exploration. James wanted to drag Severus to his bedroom, right then and there, but it was too soon for that. As he pulled away from him, those lips called to him, but he resisted the temptation to kiss him again, afraid that he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

In reality, he stared dreamily at Severus, who looked at him like he had lost his mind, before leaving James alone in that room. The only thing that snapped him out of that reverie was the slamming of the door. Realizing he was alone, James sat in the chair, head in his hands, absolutely hating the fact that the one person he wanted thought it was a prank. James didn't know that Lily had come back, until she heard her voice say his name. When he looked up at her, she frowned, "Oh, James. What's the matter?"

"He thinks that I'm lying to him, Lils," James couldn't bear the thought. "I want him to believe me. The idea of him hating me forever....."

"I know how much you like him. I do," Lily said, carefully, trying to find the right words. "Maybe now is not the best time to tell him. Sev is going through so much right now, you know? And I know you both are keeping something from me, which I'm not happy about. Just be there for him and be glad he hasn't cursed you into oblivion.....yet."

James chuckled at that. "Lily, I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what?"

"How I was with you and him....being such a...such a...."

"Jerk. Toe-rag. Arsehole."

"I get it," James interrupted, before she could continue.

"What a shame. I had more choice words," Lily smiled, trying to reassure him. "Be patient. I'm sure he'll come around, eventually. James, he's been hurt by everyone and forgiveness is incredibly difficult for him."

* * *

The courtroom was largely empty, which had been a relief and most of the mob, who hurled abuse at Severus, were locked out. James, Lily and Fleamont, stayed with him the whole time on all sides, completely shocked at how viscerally the teen was hated. They had all knew that the papers had vilified him, painting him as just a step below Voldemort himself, but Fleamont had been careful in how and when it should be shared. And as they entered, James couldn't help but marvel at how much composure Severus had, because something about the crowd had utterly unnerved him. Their faces so full of malice and evil designs filled him with a vague sense of foreboding, so he took hold of Lily's hand to make sure that she was still with him. Occasionally, he would look at Fleamont, whose proud features never betrayed an ounce of fear, though he kept a hand on Severus's shoulder.

Most of the trial had been rather dull, but that had largely to do with the fact that James had already made up his mind about Severus's innocence well before. Dumbledore had come and gone, supporting Severus, though it was clear to him that his father was still upset with the headmaster. The situation now was a mere formality and he would put in motion his plan to rescue him if he absolutely needed to. So James looked around the courtroom to see witches and wizards of various ages that appeared to be relatively well-off scattered throughout, but there was one that captured his attention more than the others. The wizard appeared to be of little significance, but there was something about him that disturbed James. While some of those present would look at Severus and quickly turn away, this wizard behaved differently. His eyes were ever-fixed on Severus, as if he waiting for that opportune moment to abduct him. Instinctively, James nudged Lily a little closer to her friend, though she gave him a confused look while she moved closer. Severus barely seemed to register anything that was going on, but it was clear that he had appreciated the presence of Fleamont.

At long last, Severus was commanded to sit in the box to be questioned. Fleamont had squeezed his shoulder and nodded, indicating his unflinching support, while James and Lily gave looks of support and encouragement. It was then that they all saw a flash of nervousness on that largely expressionless face. James then looked at the wizard that had captured his interest and saw not just interest, but a mixture of fury and curiosity as if there was something that Severus would say that would send that wizard over the edge. It was weird and it wasn't until that wizard caught James looking at him, gave a malicious grin, which made him return his attention back to the Slytherin. That feeling of unease never left him and he felt the sudden urge to run up to that box, get Severus, and just disappear. It didn't help that he felt the sudden urge to punch the prosecutor for asking, "She refused to leave him. Is that why you killed her?"

Severus had not expected that and it was clear that it had cut to the quick, "Never. I would never hurt her. Ever."

"Surely it must have angered you that she always chose him over you," the prosecutor made it clear to everyone the goal was to show how dangerous Severus truly was. 

"How would you know?" Severus could not hold back his anger anymore and those dark eyes flashed, "You'd want him dead, too, if you knew what he had done to us."

"So you don't have any regret about killing him, your own father, then."

"What do you think?"

James watched his father close his eyes and shake his head. He knew then that what his father feared was Severus losing his temper, no matter how justified that he'd be in doing so. A courtroom, where his very life hung in the balance, was not the place to lose control. Eventually, those dark eyes looked at Fleamont, whose own looked sadly back at him. Severus suddenly seemed to realized what his rage was about to cost and his eyes softened. James realized that Severus, for all his faults, did not want to let his father down and in losing control that he had done just that. Fleamont gave a slight nod and the ghost of smile as an assurance to the young wizard. And for the rest of the time that Severus was up there, he maintained as much self-control as possible. 

But then, something strange happened as Severus was finally permitted to step out of that box. It was as if he had been struck by some invisible force and was pushed back into the seat. Severus brought a hand to his abdomen and looked suddenly confused when he looked at his hand. James heard himself say as his eyes sought out the wizard that gave him that uneasy feeling earlier, "Something's wrong."

The wizard had disappeared, but he had no time to dwell on that fact. Severus did step out of the box, but it was slowly as if he feared a misstep. Everyone seemed annoyed at this, until they saw that the front of his robes were wet and the hand that he placed back over his stomach was tinged with red. Then there was panic as Severus fell to his knees and Fleamont launched himself to the fallen wizard, while James and Lily tailed right behind him. Severus looked up, trying to hide his panic, "Help me."

They all left as quickly as they could to the safety of Potter Manor.


	13. Lies in the Blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus recovers. James is behaving somewhat strangely. Strange requests and what's more, Severus is more open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a longer delay than I was expecting, but you know how life is and gets. I will update as often as I can, hopefully on a weekly basis. Even on days when I'm not working, I still have triathlon and ultra training, both of which are demanding, though I love them so much.

What on earth happened?

That was the question dominating everyone's mind. Everything had happened so fast that James was still trying to process it all. One moment, Severus was relieved that his part was done and the next, he had clutched his abdomen. The only difference being that he would not be skirting death like he had the last time, for which everyone was grateful. It was a new wound, but close, too close, to the recently healed one, and it was clear that it was magically inflicted. Each time James replayed that days events, all he could see was the malicious face of that unknown wizard and the almost child-like confusion in those captivating eyes. 

Of course, he told his father about the malevolent wizard he had seen. Fleamont looked grim, fury building at both Dumbledore and the ministry for their lack of care in protecting Severus. He had expected his father to be upset, but definitely not paranoid, though he tried his best to keep it hidden from all three teens. Fleamont had spent even more time with the recovering wizard, alternating between frustration, worry, affection, and anger. He would occasionally hear his father softly asking questions pertaining to the unconscious wizard, but not exactly those questions were. In a few rare moments, he could hear his father laugh after he said his name. One time, he heard Fleamont say that Severus was loved by all of them.

James and Lily remained glued to Severus's side, despite his protests after he regained consciousness. It felt different this time and James knew exactly why that was, though he didn't mention it to the others. His attraction had not abated, but the fear of losing Severus so soon after finally being able to admit to himself that he loved this wizard was a terrifying prospect. James hated feeling this powerless, while Severus was almost naked and alone, facing something that he could never truly understand. But he felt his heart lighten a little when Severus was recovering, hopefully, for the last time.

That was why it shocked him to find himself in bed with him, his head resting upon Severus's chest, listening to the music of that heart. It was then that he felt that tender, powerful hand, upon his head. James wanted to stay in that bed forever, his arm draped around Severus, a contented sigh escaping his lips. The dark-haired wizard had a faint smile on his lips, perhaps lost in a pleasant dream or the tenderness of a lost memory. But he felt another pair of eyes upon him. Lily's, of course. And despite not wanting to leave that blissful heaven, he knew he had to before Severus awoke. It was clear that she wanted to talk to him about....well, waking up in bed with the one he was in love with.

"James," Lily whispered, almost angry. "What on earth are you doing? Did he say that you....?"

"No, I didn't even realize it....I thought it was a dream," James mumbled, casting not-so-subtle glances at the sleeping Slytherin. But catching the look in her eyes, "I didn't do anything....I just slept."

Her voice softened when she saw him smile softly, "You looked so happy....and he...."

"He what, Lily? Tell me," he pleaded. "Please."

"Looked so peaceful, almost blissful...I've rarely seen him like that," she frowned. "But then again, I've never crawled into bed with him, either."

James blushed and turned away from her, "The idea of Severus not being here..."

"You argue half the time and I'm fairly certain that he would set you on fire if it wasn't for your dad."

"Now that's not fair, Lily."

"James, I'm serious," she sighed, taking his hand. "If he were to wake up and see you--"

"I know," James interrupted her. "I know, but I'm so scared of losing him. And whoever did this to him--I want to kill him."

"We all want whoever did this to him to suffer," Lily stated, her face hardening for a moment. It only softened again when she brought her gaze back to her sleeping friend. "Sev always had a knack for finding trouble. It used to be fun when we were kids, but now....it breaks my heart."

* * *

Only one nurse and it was one that Madame Pomfrey knew well, was permitted to check the young wizard's progress. When it was clear that her young charge was out of danger, she came less frequently. James and Lily spent most of their time in that bedroom, both fearing that something or someone would steal Severus away. The trial was an indication to them that not even supposedly safe places were impenetrable, even here at Potter Manor. And anytime Lily would touch him, there'd be a look of panic before calm would return. James found any reason to get as close as he could, but still feared to touch him in the light of day. He no longer felt Severus's intrusion on his mind now and for a strange reason, missed it.

Fleamont had quietly come into the room and it was only the click of the shutting door that drew both James and Lily's attention. Severus sat at the desk, still numb, ever distant, with a potion's book open before him. He was trying so hard to focus on the task that he had set for himself, but was clearly unable to do it. Severus slammed the book shut and struck the desk with so much force, that everyone jumped. Then an eerie silence followed as he cradled his head in his hands. It wasn't until he heard his name called that he registered that Fleamont was even in the room. Severus angry eyes softened slightly when they saw the elder Potter, "I can't concentrate....on anything."

"It's understandable given what happened. You're being unfair to yourself. Did you think that it could just be buried? Just like that?"

"I want it to be....it'd be one funeral I'd actually be able to attend," he answered angrily, no longer looking at Fleamont. 

Fleamont put a hand on Severus's shoulder, but the latter pulled away, adjusting the seat away from the desk. "Severus, I don't think she was the target of all this. It's you. There's something about you that's dangerous, that's important."

"I'm a half-blood wizard. What possible threat would I pose to anyone?"

"You already know that you're powerful enough to warrant attention. But I think there is something else going on."

Everyone was confused, but none more than Severus himself, who just collapsed even more into the seat, face downcast, "So it was my fault after all. She's gone because of me."

"No, Severus. No, not now and certainly not then. You are as much a victim in this as anyone," Fleamont stated. It seemed to James that he mouthed a quick prayer before saying anything further, "Did anything happen prior that you remember?"

"No, I don't....I don't remember," Severus answered. 

"Did anyone approach you before all of this happened?"

Severus only shook his head, not quite sure where this line of questioning was headed.

"You're in Slytherin. Did anyone with ties to Voldemort want you both to meet?"

"Yes," Severus answered after a moment, his dark eyes fixed on Lily. "And I agreed."

"Why?" Lily cried out, "Sev, he would--he's a monster."

"What else was I supposed to do? I was already written off as evil by everyone, so it was a logical step."

"But--"

"See, Potter?" Severus glared maliciously at James, who felt so very ashamed. "I became everything you said I was."

Fleamont spoke softly again, drawing the teen's eyes back to himself, "Did you meet him? I'm not turning you over to MLE. You can tell me the truth, Severus."

Before he answered, he stared hard at the elder Potter, "Yes, over the Christmas holiday."

"Did anything unusual happen during this meeting?"

"No, we just talked for a bit. It didn't seem all that strange to me. He already knew plenty about me from...others."

"Anything afterwards?" 

"Blood." 

"What?"

"He wanted my blood. Said that it was normal to check status. I told him that I was a half-blood, but he insisted."

"And you didn't think that a strange request?"

"If I did, I wasn't going to press the issue."

"And nothing out of the ordinary happened after that?"

"Not really."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing," Severus answered. "What is the point of these questions? It hardly matters, especially now."

"You received owls. I mean, more than usual," James said aloud.

"When I try to remember a part of my life when you're not spying on me...."

"It's hardly private, when it was during lunch....or dinner," James responded.

"Others received things by owl, too, you know."

"Well, they weren't you," James turned away to hide his blush, while Lily just rolled her eyes. 

Fleamont shook his head and sighed aloud, before asking, "Is this true, Severus?"

'Him spying on me?"

"No. The owls."

"Yes. They would bring little things. Trinkets."

"Who were these things from?"

"Tarfin. Tarfin Mugon. He said he was an old friend of my mother's while in school."

"And you never told anyone about him?"

Severus shook his head, "No. Mom didn't talk all that much about personal things like that. Honestly, it was nice to have someone that I didn't have to always prove my worth to, who listened to me."

"Have you heard from him since you've been here?"

"Well, I guess with the Prophet, he does know what happened to me. But owls? No, I haven't heard anything from him since everything happened."

"Do you think he may have had...."

"No, no, no. He couldn't have. I never told him where I lived," Severus wrapped his arms around himself. "He wouldn't. He was my friend."

"I'm sorry, Severus. I'm sorry," Fleamont hugged him. "There's so much of this that doesn't make any sense and I'm afraid. We just don't want anything to happen to you."

"It's fine. Hardly matters, anyway."

"It matters because you matter. If I could take away all the hurt from you, I would in a heartbeat. You deserve happiness, Severus. And I know you will have it."

James wanted so much for Severus to find happiness and he couldn't deny the hope that it would be shared with him. There was so much he now wanted to tell him, how beautiful he thought him, of how his heart ached when those eyes would fill with sadness. But more than that, he wanted to apologize for every unjust word and how he wanted to do all he could to make it up to him. It was a pittance, he knew that, but he still desired to try and prove that he had changed. Yet, he couldn't ignore the fact that Severus was sharing so much, which troubled him more than his silence. Nor could his father, as he watched the concern that had crossed his face. It was what he wasn't sharing that worried them, because it was clear that there was so much more beneath the surface. Severus refused to say anything further about this friend or the trinkets he had recieved.


	14. Desiring//Disapppearing//Discovering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus, after distracting James, disappears. The reasons why become clear after Lily and James goes through his rooms. A move to safety. Another discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has been quite a while since last I've posted, but I haven't forgotten this story. Not by a long shot. A lot of personal stuff, which I will not bore you with, and working on several other projects.
> 
> Morfin Gaunt is a bit more 'approachable' than in canon, and his relationship with Voldy is different as well. He's crazy, to be sure, but there's more control over it. I don't know if that makes sense, but please bear in mind that this story is told from James's perspective. As always, enjoy and thanks for reading.

Whiplash. That's the only word that seemed to adequately describe what James was feeling. He had always imagined this moment to be entirely different than the reality of it. He had slipped into the that beautiful dream, forgetting about the seriousness that swirled about them. All he could think about was that lithe body pressed against his, giving himself over to pleasure. Severus was kissing him so passionately that James couldn't disguise the moan that escaped his lips or how quickly his body was responding to those exquisite ministrations. This was, by far, better than all the fantasies that he conjured of their first kiss and he couldn't help but bring his arms to wrap even more tightly around him, to consume and be consumed utterly. He loved Severus being in control, which had surprised him more than he thought it would.

James felt his back pressed against the tree on the edge of his father's property, but thought nothing of it. Everything was lined with a silken sensuality that not even the harshness of the afternoon sun could diminish. It only began to fade as Severus finally pulled away from him and he realized that, with the exception of his arms, he was unable to move. Then James saw the ropes about his waist and Severus fingering the medallion that he had taken earlier out of his pocket during that passionate kiss. Ge struggled to escape from the ropes would not budge no matter how much he tried to move them, it was impossible. He looked up angrily at the other wizard, ready to spew all the expletives in his arsenal, but stopped himself when he caught the slivers of melancholy those eyes couldn't fully hide. All James could say was, "Severus, please."

"I can't," Severus looked down at the medallion. "I have to do this."

"My father. He can help, you know that," James pleaded.

He shook his head, "No, he's done too much. I can't--he shouldn't have to risk so much for my sake."

"He cares for you. So does Lily. And I....," James trailed off and blushed. "You make me feel so much. Please. Let me, let us, help you."

Severus looked up, the answer already in his eyes, "Tell Lily....tell her that I forgive her, for everything."

"No," James exclaimed. "You can tell her yourself."

"Please," Severus turned and walked away, leaving James to try once again to free himself. After a few moments, James gave up, but saw that the Slytherin was surprisingly still there, watching him struggle. Severus sighed and approached him, but stopped just out of reach and it seemed to the Gryffindor that there was so much he had wanted to say. James looked into those beloved eyes, feeling the tears beginning to form at the corners of his own. The last thing that Severus said before vanishing was, "I'm sorry, James."

His name was said, just as he hoped it would be, but the moment was wrong. After a few minutes, the ropes loosened and disappeared, but he hardly noticed. All James could do was slide down the tree, head in his hands, weeping. He was replaying in his mind what happened that led to all of this, trying to figure out what had led Severus to this point. Nothing seemed all that out of place, except for a few instances when it seemed to James that his classmate seemed to be looked at everyone as if he'd never see them again. At the time, he thought it strange, but he couldn't quite figure out why that was. Now it all made sense. Something had to have happened to make Severus decide to leave without warning. And now he wished for nothing more than to have more time with him, but the memories he did have were a cruel reminder of what no longer was.

James was lost in thought as he recalled Severus angrily chasing after him, while he laughed, little knowing that the medallion he grabbed off the bedside table was also a portkey. It always excited him that he had always aroused such passion in the normally self-possessed wizard and he missed it dearly. Of course, he had every intention of returning it to Severus, but wished now that he had hidden it better or brought it to his father. But that kiss, that replayed more than anything and tormented him because it didn't quench his desire. It enflamed it and James wanted that and more passionate moments and to have them spread out into eternity. And so he wept all the more, feeling even more alone, not knowing if he would see his beloved Severus again.

Then he heard footsteps coming towards him and he looked up hopefully. Seeing that it was Lily, he felt even more sorrow and a few more tears had fallen. She was concerned and somehow knew that her best friend was somehow involved, "James....what happened?....where is he?"

"The medallion. It was a portkey. I didn't know."

"What are you talking about?"

"Then he kissed me," James touched his lips, closing his eyes. "And he....and he....left. He's gone."

Lily just stared at him, trying to wrap her around what he had told her, "What?"

"It was amazing," James smiled, trying desperately to avoid her eyes. "Better than I ever dreamed it would be."

"James....where did he go?"

"I don't know," James said. "But I don't think he wanted to leave."

"How did this....?"

"He said he had no choice."

"But how were you unable to stop him?"

"He distracted me....and then the ropes. I forgot that he could do wandless magic."

"James." Lily sat down beside him, "Your dad is not going to be happy."

"Then we're on the same page. I'm not happy either."

Lily was silent for a long while, "What if he went to....him?"

"No...I don't believe it."

"James, he wants answers. He hasn't gotten them here."

"He's safe here."

"For how long? He wasn't even safe at the Ministry of Magic."

James had no answer to that, but he couldn't diminish her concern, because that thought had also crossed his mind. But the very idea of Severus being anywhere near Voldemort made him feel ill. Now he had an unpleasant conversation with his father to look forward to. Then a thought crossed his mind, "Lily, he's been acting strangely since the trial."

"Yes, but wouldn't you?" Lily asked, but quickly looked away, "I'm sorry. He's my best friend and I have no idea how to....I don't know how to deal with this. This is so unfair, James."

"Let's take a look through his room. There has to be something," he looked hopefully at her, but she could only shrug. "Come on, Lil."

"He knows how to keep secrets," Lily stated, as James stood up. "Especially if..."

"I interrupted him, so he may not have had time to destroy everything."

"What do you mean?"

"I sincerely doubt that he'd be given a portkey without being told," James answered. "Please, Lily. I need your help. You know him better than anyone."

"I did, but not anymore," a few tears fell down her face. "Not like I deserve it now."

"He told me he forgives you, for everything," James said, helping her get to her feet. "It was one of the last things he said to me."

"He did?"

"Of course."

* * *

James and Lily stood at the entrance of Severus's bedroom door, glad that they had managed to avoid everyone. Both half-expected the dark-haired Slytherin to show up and berate them for, once again, invading his privacy. It was strange, but the room seemed almost like it was holding its breath. Both teens began looking through the room, desperately trying to find some clue that would lead them to where Severus had gone. There didn't seem to be anything that jumped out at either one of them. It wasn't until James upset the nightstand and one of the books fell to the floor, that he noticed a partially destroyed sheet of paper. As he leant to pick up the sheet of paper, he heard Lily ask, "James? What is it?"

On the sheet of paper in handwriting that James knew wasn't Severus's, he saw part of an address that seemed familiar somehow and a threat: 

_If you wish to protect them, come quickly. Or, would you like another failure? Can you risk it? The choice is yours._

The message, despite the beautiful writing, made his skin stand on end. James could only stare at it, while Lily made her way to his side, trying to take it from his hand, but seemed to come to himself when he heard her whisper-scream, "That's my address. James, that's my address. I need to go home."

Her sudden panic, brought him back and he tried to calm her down, "My father, Lily. He can protect them." Taking her hand, he went to his father's office, the words of the note emblazoned on his memory, hoping that he and his father could offer protection. James tried to keep his focus on her, afraid of losing what little control he had and becoming utterly useless to anybody. He understood that the only reason Severus had left was to protect Lily and that whoever wrote this used guilt to punish him. It was such a malevolent weapon to use on someone who had already lost so much. 

James didn't bother knocking, knowing that his father would understand that something terrible had happened. He was surprised when he swung the door open, not because Fleamont wasn't there, but of how ashen he looked when he raised his eyes to look at them. It took James a moment to collect himself, before he could talk, "Dad! We found this in Severus's room. Lily's family is in danger."

He watched as his father looked over the note that James so unceremoniously laid in front of him, "Where's Severus?"

James ignored the question, "Dad, we need to help Lily. Please."

"I will ensure their safety. Lily, I will make sure of it personally," Fleamont said, arising from his seat. "But I need to know where Severus is."

James didn't answer, but bit his lip, so his father pressed again, "James? It is of the highest importance that I speak with him. Don't play games with me. Now is not the time."

"He's gone," James answered, not daring to look at his father. "I didn't expect....I don't know where. We were hoping that maybe...but this."

Silence and in the midst of it, James looked up to see the absolute worry in that face, which suddenly seemed quite old to him in that moment. It was as if he were processing every word that James had said and it had not quite clicked. Suddenly his father moved again, only turning before he disappeared, "James, Lily. Stay here. Please. I want to talk to both of you about where Severus is, but not yet."

Fleamont was gone and Lily started crying, clinging to James so desperately that he feared that he would not be able to be strong enough for her. Her best friend was gone and her family was in danger. He knew, that other than other than uttering some trite platitude that there was nothing that he could say to ease the pain. So they stood in that room for several more minutes, holding onto to each other, hoping that all was not as bleak as it appeared, that they would awaken from this nightmare. Eventually, James walked with Lily to her room and she begged him to stay with her. Eventually she cried herself to sleep, while he rocked her like a child. James couldn't be sure how much time had passed, but he kissed her forward, before returning to his father's office.

He wondered how long Severus had kept this to himself and why he had done so. There were so many unknowns and the more he thought he about it, the more worried James became. This was the he and Lily had chanced upon, but what if there were others? Were they just as threatening as the one regarding Lily's family? James felt drained, yet his anxiety had been ratcheted up so high that he couldn't bring himself to sleep. But more than that, he wanted Severus with him. The idea of him being out there, alone to face all this darkness and evil alone, broke his heart. But the biggest question that he wanted the answer to was why it was happening at all. 

It was late when his father returned and he looked wrung out. James had told him what had happened up to the moment that Severus had disappeared. Ensuring the safety of the Evans family had gone more smoothly than expected. Lily's parents had met Fleamont before, so they were more than inclined to believe him about the situation. Afterwards, he explained to James, he searched Cokeworth, hoping to find Severus there, but it proved to be in vain. He went to the Snape residence, despite knowing, though he couldn't explain why, that the young man wouldn't go there, at least not yet. It was wandering through that house and tripping over a bit of carpet in the living room, that led to a tragic discovery. Fleamont handed James the note he chanced upon.

James hands shook as he read it: _Eileen, did you think that you could keep the truth from me? You have kept Severus from me long enough. I will make sure you suffer for it._

He could only look up at his father, "Is that.....Is that why she was...."

"More than likely, yes," Fleamont sighed heavily. "But there is more to it. Whoever wishes Severus dead knows the truth and will stop at nothing until that happens. I fear for him, James. Whether with his father or not, his life is in great peril."

"Who is his father?"

Fleamont remained silent on that, regarding his own son carefully before answering, "A very dangerous wizard, the same wizard that's been writing to him in school: Morfin Gaunt. If he was willing to murder his mother, I fear what will happen to Severus, should he prove too rebellious."

"How did you figure all this out?"

"The name was an anagram. If Severus had not desired someone to speak with as badly as he had, he would've discovered the same. He's far too gifted a wizard to not figure that out. A blood test solved the rest. Dumbledore should've done it from the beginning."

"Dad? What's wrong?" James saw the worried look on his father's face.

"If word gets out about who he is.....James, it's very important that we say little about this. I probably shouldn't have told you, but I am trusting to your affection. The wizard that attacked him is still out there....and others will certainly want him in some fashion, dead or alive, to further their own ends. That poor child. That poor, poor child. And he has so few allies."


	15. Your Ghost and Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Severus's departure. Seeing his closest friends again. A touching moment with his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many apologies for the delay. The past four or so months have been very hectic. I hope that you will forgive me for that. As always, I am still going to be doing my best to correct mistakes that I notice, grammatical or otherwise, in the chapters I write. My mind goes faster than my fingers can type at times. But yes, I am still working on this story. I'm hoping to have an update much soon than four months. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, and here's to a wonderful New Year!

Loneliness is a strange creature. James never really understood what it was until Severus had gone. Even after his mother died, he still had his father, relatives, and dear friends to keep him company. But then, he wasn't in love at the time either; only a child trying to understand a situation that even adults struggled with. Lily, scared and clearly upset with what had happened, decided to stay with her family, though he knew she felt guilty about leaving him. James put on a brave face and assured her that he would be fine, especially since his father was here. But as soon as she had gone, he cried himself to sleep on Severus's bed, praying for something, anything to make the pain go away. 

Fleamont, knowing that James was pained with the unexpected loss, tried to balance the role of being physically and emotional supportive with finding the troubled wizard. James understood that his father was doing all he could, but his emotions were all over the place. Haunted by images of a Severus he couldn't save, he lashed out and even though, Fleamont would forgive him, always feeling guilty afterwards. His father looked like he hardly slept and occasionally, he heard his father praying that Severus be returned to them. It just was not fair. There was an empty space in all their lives and only Severus could fill it.

James knew his father blamed himself for what happened to Severus, but didn't quite understand why. He felt it was his fault, not Fleamont's, that the Slytherin had gotten away and he spent so much time poring over his own actions. Severus had not wanted to leave, that much was clear or so he thought at the time. Now he couldn't be sure, but if he had wanted to leave, why linger as he had done? And that kiss. Had that been a lie, too? That was what bothered him almost as much as everything else, because he wanted it to be real and honest. James didn't want to consider the possibility that Severus was going to betray them, even after the discovery of Lily's address on the remnants of a threatening letter. It would be a very Slytherin thing to do, to plan an escape by making it look like there had been no choice. But when it came to her, Severus would sacrifice his own life to make sure she was protected. It occurred to James in that moment, when that feeling of jealousy ebbed away, that Severus's devotion was absolute, despite, or in spite, of everything that happened and the Slytherin would hold fast to that.

But that realization did not bring him joy and in an almost ritualistic fashion, he'd sneak into Severus's bedroom when night had fallen, hoping that somehow the wizard he longed for would curl up next to him and chase away the coldness, the emptiness that never seemed to go away. In dreams, James could feel Severus's warmth, the softly spoken midnight words as he felt his body melt into the other. But when the morning light would stream through the windows, he'd fight against the inevitable moment that his eyes would open to the cruel reality that Severus had stolen away with the retreating darkness. What he longed for now that he was gone was the return of night-time, so that he could lose himself to those holy moments. But until then, he wandered in the day-dream of his beloved, memorizing a muggle poem that he longed to share with him.

About a week in mid-afternoon, he was shaken from his melancholic thoughts by the sound of pounding on the door. James ran to it, heart beating erratically, believing that it was Severus returned to him, because he needed it to be so. But when he opened the door, it was Sirius and Remus, whose obvious happiness at seeing their best friend after so long was contagious. Sirius practically threw himself at James, wrapping his arms around him, not noticing how the latter's smile had faltered for a moment. Remus, whose brow furrowed, had caught James's eye, knowing that something had happened, but aside from a warm smile, said nothing. Remus had always been the most observant out of all of them and more than likely would want to discuss it. James knew that Remus would want to know who exactly he was expecting, but had no idea how to even broach the subject.

Until then, he was distracted from his heartache by the presence of his friends and intended to take full advantage. The one topic he dreaded discussing with them was Severus. By now, they knew that the Slytherin had resided for a time at Potter Manor. Remus, in spite of the shrieking shack, had still felt guilty about what had transpired with Severus, had always been hopeful that maybe he'd be able to speak to him about what happened, to come to a truce. Sirius nursed his hatred in much the same way that James had, but it didn't take very long to realize what exactly had inspired its growth in the years that followed. Regulus had been spending an increasing amount of time with Severus since the brothers had fallen out. James knew now that a great deal of Sirius's feelings towards Snape was largely misplaced, that the real target was his parents. The Slytherin was just a representative of everything that had rent the brothers apart. James, in that moment, had felt a pang of jealously as he thought of Regulus talking to Severus, of touching him, of displaying any friendly gesture. 

After they came in, with their respective suitcases in tow, they went to James's bedroom. James led the way, grateful that he could compose his features and organize his thoughts. Sirius (bless him) had filled the short journey with a stream-of-consciousness discussion of everything that had happened while staying with Remus, which had both amused his companions and had helped James take his mind off of Severus. The real struggle would be when they would all attempt to sleep, when his very being longed for that darkling wizard. He could practically hear Remus's eye roll as Sirius launched into an over-the-top story about a narrow escape from an older an humorless cousin, who didn't appreciate a prank that ended up with him smell like dung. As they got situated in the bedroom, one of the house-elves brought a round of butter-beers and assorted snacks, which they all dove into with relish. James did his best to delay the inevitable questions about his own summer, knowing that Sirius would broach first.

"So," Sirius began, after taking several long sips of his drink. "How was your summer? We missed you, Prongs."

James felt suddenly guilty as he saw the suddenly sad look in those grey eyes. He couldn't exactly say that he realized that he was in love with Severus, but didn't want to lie about it either. He sighed before saying, "Eventful."

"We heard Snivellus was here," Sirius continued, a sudden vehemence in his voice. "I'm surprised you came out of it intact. I was certain that he'd try to hurt you somehow."

"Sirius....you do realize that was part of the reason why his dad didn't let us come visit, don't you? Neither of you ever left him alone" Remus interjected. 

"It's not like he didn't deserve it, Moony. He gave as good as he got," Sirius rolled his eyes, annoyed, before turning them towards James, "How did your dad find out about it anyway?"

"Veritaserum," James answered, feeling suddenly ashamed. "When he woke up and thought my dad was going to hurt him, it was awful."

Remus's amber eyes softened, but Sirius was not placated, "Am I supposed to feel sorry for him? He was going to tell everyone about Moony's furry little problem."

"Sirius, please," Remus put an arm on Sirius's arm. 

"No," Sirius began. "How can either of you feel bad for him? And with my brother pretty much walking in lock-step? He stayed here and now he's going to tell Voldy everything."

James knew after that rant that he couldn't tell Sirius about anything regarding his own feelings towards Severus But felt a sudden tidal wave of guilt as he thought of the friendship between the two Slytherins and the obvious consequences of his own actions, of how he had inadvertently hurt his best friend. In the end, he could only murmur, "His mom was dead when he woke up."

"I don't care. He probably did it," Sirius said, crossing his arms.

James responded softly, "I know he didn't, Pads. It was heartbreaking to see and I felt almost like I was going through losing my mom again."

Sirius suddenly softened, his anger receding as quickly as it appeared. "I'm sorry, Prongs. It's just that I can't help but be angry about what's going on with my brother and Snape's part in it."

"Maybe you can talk to Reg," James suggested, wile Remus nodded along. "I'm sure he misses you."

"My parents have him in a virtual lockdown," Sirius sighed. "I don't think it's possible at this point. They expect him to be the perfect pureblood lord. I'm not exactly welcome, either."

"I don't buy that," Remus laughed, which made both his friends burst out. "You, who has subverted pretty much every rule you've ever come across. What's really stopping you?"

Sirius stopped laughing at the question, suddenly becoming quite serious. "I'm afraid of what my parents have told him, Moony. He's not stupid, but my mom especially, is manipulative.....and when we look at each other during lunches or between classes.....I think he hates me."

Both James and Remus gave their friend sympathetic looks and tried to soothe their friend. The host of the little party couldn't help but feel baffled by the exchange. They all knew that however close they all were, Sirius would always miss his brother and harbor a dislike for anyone he perceived as keeping them separated, but to hear him say it out loud, had shocked James. Regulus was one of those topics that all the Marauders approached carefully, knowing that, aside from Snape, would elicit an almost guaranteed and immediate response. The youngest Black brother was basically a victim of circumstance, compelled by expectation to do what wizarding society and his family expected of him. James had wanted to share more of Snape, to share the parallels between the two. But Sirius was clearly not going to appreciate having his brother grouped in the same category as Snape.

"I don't have a brother, Pads," James said after a moment of silence, his thoughts wandering to Severus, hoping that the Slytherin missed him, too. "But I'd still try. He probably misses you a lot."

It took a moment for James to realize that Remus was looking at him curiously. He wondered why, until suddenly realizing that what he had said was something unusual. It wasn't that James was heartless, but that he was clumsy with words and often times would do more damage than he intended. Severus, more than Lily, had impacted him more than he realized and seeing his friends again had reminded him of that. And of course it would be Remus to notice and he could tell that his wolfish friend was beginning to wonder what exactly how much of an impact Severus actually had. Lily had softened his rough edges, but it was that darkling wizard that made him want to be the best version of himself and he wanted Severus to see it, to see him, to love him in equal measure. James smiled dreamily as he thought of those ebony eyes gazing at him lovingly, which drew a laugh from Sirius, "he's probably dreaming of Lily."

James suddenly straightened up, blushing furiously, "I guess I should tell you then."

"Tell us what?" Remus asked the question softly, while Sirius scooted closer to James, almost conspiratorially. "I can tell that Lily has been here."

"We broke up," James responded. "I mean, we're still friends, but it....didn't work out."

"Then who were you thinking about, Prongs?"

"Happier times....before everything happened," James sighed, wanting to speak the truth, but afraid that by doing so that he would lose his friends, in addition to Severus and Lily. "Let's talk about something else. What else did you do over break?"

And Sirius, who always loved to speak about that which always led to himself, spoke more of the summertime happenings. James would normally become annoyed with it, but anything that took his mind away from Severus was a relief. Even in the midst of the monologue, he could still feel Remus's gaze drifting to him, both curious and concerned. James knew he was being less communicative than normal, but it felt like a lie dove-tailing with another to pretend otherwise. Guilt was becoming too familiar of a friend and he longed for the day when that would disappear. 

* * *

James couldn't wait for his friends to fall asleep and steal away to that most sacred of temples. It was far better to feel the presence of a ghost than the emptiness of his own bed. The guilt was still present as his steps led him to that room, to that bed, and the tears that fell as he crawled into bed felt like a payment to meet Severus. The three friends had stayed up late into the night, talking about everything and nothing. James had missed the inane conversations, but he couldn't resist that siren call of vain hope and when he was certain that his companions were asleep, made his way to that room.

Maybe it was the fact that his friends were there that increased his longing, but his tears fell as a torrential rain as he thought of Severus. Then he heard it, his name being called and he sat up immediately in that bed, for a moment believing that the object of his desire was there. After wiping his eyes and coming back to himself, he realized that it was Remus speaking and James felt another tear in his heart. It was silent for a moment, before Remus stated, rather than asked, "This is Snape's room."

The bed creaked as Remus sat next to James, who whispered, "Yes."

Another space of silence, in which the werewolf turned on the lights, but kept the lighting soft, making the room feel almost dreamlike. "James, what is going on?"

James knew that he couldn't hide his red-rimmed eyes or the sorrow in his voice, but he could maintain an adamant silence. Remus, eventually forced James to look at him, "When Sirius asked who you were....? Why are you in Snape's room"

"I miss him," James looked at the floor. "So much. I sometimes think that if I stay here long enough, he'll come back."

"Prongs, that doesn't...."

"Do you know why Lily delayed in wanting to date me?"

"What does that have to do with why you're in here?"

"She said that she wasn't sure who I was really pursuing. Her or....."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" 

"She said that it was always about Severus....that she couldn't really compete with that. And now he's not here."

"James, look at me," Remus got his friend to look at him again, surprised that James had used Snape's first name. "Tell me the truth. Please. Are you....?"

"Yes," James answered, voice soft. "I wasn't sure until he kissed me."

"Kissed you?"

James smiled sadly at Remus, "I thought it was a fleeting thing, that it would just go away. When that happened.....I knew. All I want is him, Moony. How could there be anyone else?"

"James," Remus was clearly taken aback. "I don't even....," Remus didn't know what to say after such a confession. The fact that one of his closest friends was undone by Severus Snape had completely taken him by surprise. In addition, how quickly James had fallen in love or realized that he felt such a thing. It explained the almost fanatical obsession, but it was strange to hear that vocalized.

James continued to speak, afraid of the silence, "But he doesn't believe me. I can't figure out what hurts more: the rejection or the fact that he's not here. What am I supposed to do? I feel like I'm going crazy and his bed reminds me of when I woke up in his arms."

"In his arms? You slept with him?"

"We just slept, nothing else," James sighed. "It was the most wonderful feeling in the world....I never wanted to leave. I want to have that feeling again."

Remus saw in the wistfulness of that face that there was a critical difference between the pursuit of Lily and Severus. A clarity now that hadn't been there before had dispelled the fog of conflict. The werewolf could see that despite all their lives brought their way, James always made sure that Severus was, if not close, at least in the same constellation that he was in. All the interactions that he was party to made so much more sense in light of these admissions. It was just difficult to handle the change from the last time they saw each other to now, "Do you know where he is now?"

"Lily thinks he's with Voldemort," James murmured. "I don't want to believe it....but I know she's right."

"How....?"

"Because he wasn't getting answers here....or they're not coming in fast enough. It's not fair, Moony. We all adored him."

"Answers? Answers to what?"

James suddenly realized that he was dangerously close to revealing too much about Severus and that he would have to be careful. He trusted his friends implicitly and in the course of making that promise to his father, had underestimated how difficult it would be to keep it. Lily, mired in the possibility of losing her own family, had been easy to keep that secret from. In the company of his dearest friends, whom he loved like family, it dawned on him that it would be more difficult the longer that they were here. He had heard of spies and how cool it would be to be one, but it wasn't in his nature to keep things like that long hidden from his friends. The thought of Severus being killed because of a slip of the tongue, he knew, would be a constant torment to him. In the end, the only thing that James could say, and quite lamely, was, "he wanted to know why it was happening."

"You must be really worried about him, then," Remus said, after appraising him for a moment. He couldn't help but laugh at James's quizzical expression, before continuing on, "I know that's not all of it, but it must be really important if you can't share it. Let's go to bed....in your room. If Sirius catches you...."

"We can't tell him," James blurted out suddenly. "If he finds out....Remus, he's....I can't lose anyone else. And with Reg, he won't accept Severus."

"Hey, Prongs," Remus cooed. "It's ok. I already figured that you would tell Sirius on your own. Don't wait forever, though. In the end, I think he would be hurt that you couldn't tell him."

"I hate feeling guilty," James admitted. "It's like everything I do is wrong. I just want it to go away."

"Well, we're not going to be solving all the world's problems tonight, so let's go to bed, ok?"

James stood up, relaxing ever so slightly, "I'm glad you're here, both of you actually. I'm lucky that you both are the best friends anyone could ever ask for."

"You definitely spent way too much time with Lily and Snape," Remus laughed. "You're not exactly sentimental....but come on. Let's go."

As they reached the door, Remus suddenly stopped, which made James look at him concerned, but he seemed to wave it away. James, being who he was, couldn't help but not poke at why Remus had suddenly seemed momentarily sad, "Ok, Remus. What is it?"

"Nothing, Prongs. It was just a thought. Nothing to worry about."

"I pretty much pored my heart out to you. Tell me what's going on."

Remus stared at his hand, which rested upon the doorknob, before turning to look at James. He knew well enough that James would pester him until he caved and told him what was going on. But as soon as he saw James deflate before his eyes, he regretted asking, "What if he becomes a Death Eater and you have to confront him? What are you going to do?"

James didn't respond right away, but he could feel the tears forming in his eyes. It was something that he didn't want to think about and he barely registered the apology, but there was little that could be done about it now. It was reality and that, in and of itself, was hardly right, far, or even kind. James clung to that hope of Severus's devotion to those that he loved would win. It wasn't until Remus wrapped him in a hug that he realized that his face was wet with tears. But eventually, he made it to his bed and when he was settled in, realized that the only person that brought him to tears since his mother died was Severus.

* * *

Despite his midnight venture, James had woken up before both Sirius and Remus. He was glad they were both there, but it never quite filled that place that Severus had managed to carve out in his heart. It wasn't fair to compare them, but the same had been done with Lily. No one had made him want to fight so hard than that dark Slytherin. In addition, it shocked him that they were there at all and decided then to speak with his father about why. When he arrived at his father's office, still wearing his pajamas, he realized that Fleamont was already awake, based on the door being slightly ajar.

"Dad?" James asked, before allowing himself in. His dad raised his head to look at him. James realized that his dad looked rather disheveled, as if he had been out all night. A brief glance assured James that that had been the case and he closed the door. "Why are you dressed in what you wore yesterday?"

"I heard that Voldemort was on the move and hoped that perhaps Severus was there," Fleamont sounded defeated. "We spent the whole night catching death eaters unawares, but had no luck finding him."

"I keep hoping that he'll--," James voice cracked as he sat before his father, trying to keep himself from dissolving into a nervous wreck.

"I know," Fleamont smiled at him. "Me, too."

"Dad, do you think," James sputtered, trying to squash the panic that was beginning to bubble to the surface. "Do you think he is alright?"

"James, please don't," his father answered, voice soft. "Don't make me answer that question. It's almost as if Severus fell off the face of the earth. I want to believe that he is safe. Or, as safe as anyone in his position can be."

"I told Remus about Severus". James said and noting the alarm on his father's face, clarified, "About how I felt. It wasn't something that he was expecting."

Fleamont gazed at his son, "I shouldn't have told you, James. That was unfair of me. I should've had more sense and it's only served to hurt you."

"Dad, I'm glad you told me. It's hard to keep things from Sirius and Remus. They're my best friends and a part of me feels that I'm betraying them. But then, when I think about Severus and the danger he's in. I don't what to do that anymore. I miss him so much. I just want a chance to prove to him....how much he means to me."

"And I want nothing more than that for you," Fleamont responded. "I just don't want you to go through what I went through when your mother....that would....it's what I'm most afraid of, James, to have you go through it like I did. And now with that wizard...."

Hearing the pain in his father's voice as he said that was almost too much to bear, "I can't help what Severus does to me. What he's always done. It's just that, I don't know....is it worth it, dad, in the end, to love so deeply?"

"If they're the right one, James, then always," Fleamont responded and as if half to himself, he repeated the word always again as if it were a prayer. And for a reason that he couldn't quite decipher, it had felt as if a serrated blade had cut through his heart. James realized then that his father still clung to the memory, the ghost of the wife and mother that had left sooner than what both deemed fair. His father was seeing his only son begin walking down that path in loving a wizard that seemed almost betwixt the worlds of life and death.

"And you invited Rem and Siri here," James wanted to desperately change the subject.

"I did," Fleamont answered, glad for the change of topic. "You were moping and I think that you've already been punished enough."

"I wish Severus knew that," James tried to laugh, but it rang hollow. "I'm glad they're here, though. It helps so much."

"I've arranged it so that they will be here for what remains of the summer break," Fleamont said. "I've also made changes to your school for the upcoming year. But we'll discuss that later."

"Really? The rest of summer?" James was beside himself with joy at the prospect of his friends being with him. "What changes?"

"I am making arrangements for a private tutor. The reasons should be obvious, James," Fleamont continued when his son frowned. "It is temporary and you will still be able to visit friends...."

"What about quidditch? Dad, please. I can't just...."

"Hence the arrangements," Fleamont responded wearily. "I'm trying, James. It's temporary, I hope. But baring Sirius doing anything foolish, you should be able to see them weekly."

"What does Sirius have to do with it?"

"Fire and gasoline, at least that's what muggles say, I heard." His father elaborated, "You and Sirius cause problems for....well, everyone. I've already spoken with McGonagoll. Don't even try to justify it. And in part, it's my fault, for being blind to it."

"I'm sorry," James looked down at the desk. "It's just that it's so hard."

"Yes, but it's not forever," Fleamont sighed. "James, look at me."

When James raised his eyes to his father's, he felt suddenly very exposed. His father asked, "What do you wish for most in the world?"

"To see Severus again, even if he hates me. At least I would know he is safe and miles away from darkness. But I'd much rather.....I don't want a ghost."

Fleamont smiled softly at him and chuckled, "Could it be you're growing up?"

"Only a little," James laughed. "I miss this, hearing you laugh."

"I miss yours, too. Alright. I'm sure your friends are up. Go spend time with them. We'll talk about more serious things later."

"Ok." James stood up and just before he left, turned to Fleamont, "I love you, dad."

"I love you, too," Fleamont smiled warmly at him. "Now, off with you."


End file.
